How do I appear taller?

Short people have it rough. This is a fact that decades of psychological research has proven, but it's Randy Newman's song that makes it much more than theory. Not only do short people die sooner than their taller counterparts, but they are more prone to sleep apnea, skin tremors, and fire. On an interpersonal level, everyday people treat shorties as lesser-beings subconsciencely because of their stature. If you are a shortie, you have no doubt felt the pain your height can bring, and also, happy birthday. As a gift, here are some ways you can appear taller and rid yourself the chains of midgetocity.

Wear Vertical Stripes
Wearing vertical stripes will make you appear taller and thinner. This is the opposite of horizontal stripes, which make you appear shorter and bitchier. This logic also applies to obnoxiously large belts, as the horizontal lines fools the eye into thinking you're more unattractive. I mean, seriously, they're so kitch. But maybe I should save that for "How do I not look like a big ol' bitch?"

Leg Extensions
While you will have to supply your own femurs, any respectable back alley doctor should be willing to give you leg extensions. While it will take a month or so of rehab in order to get the hang of walking with two knees joints, it will be all worth it when you act as a living monolith over those who were once towering over you. You're now that tower. That very wobbly tower.

Mech suit
Choose from either steampunk or anime styles.

Shrink ray
We all know your shortness has driven you to extremes. Why else would you be reading this entry? God made you short, so why should you have to change how you look? Everyone else deserves to be shrunk down to size. Hell, they're begging for it. Also, you can make them fight ants!