Sensitivity Training: Working With Women in the Workplace

There was a time in this country where smacking a female coworker’s ass was a sign of good faith. Those times have gone, and for good reason. Everyone knows that smacking a female coworker’s ass could make other female coworker’s jealous because their asses remained unslapped. Then, as a well-respected gent, you’d be obligated to smack the asses of all women in the work place, to make sure no one was left feeling inadequate. Before you know it, entire workdays would be spent slapping ass and productivity would take a substantial hit and because we live in an ever-competitive businesses world, we can’t afford to spend workdays slapping asses to make sure feelings don’t get hurt for fear of a competitor getting the leg up on your place of employment. This, as is commonly known, is why it’s considered rude to smack a coworker on the ass.

But it hardly ends there. Working side-by-side with women is far greater than a simple matter of not slapping ass. Be warned: when interacting with a female coworker there is never a right way. There are only wrong ways. Here are some common scenarios a male is likely

Scenario: A female coworker asks if she can borrow your stapler.
Wrong way: Hand her the stapler like it’s no big deal.

Right way: Tell her she looks nice as you fumble idiotically trying to pick up the stapler to hand it to her. If she shows any sign that she did not genuinely enjoy the compliment you should be ashamed. You could have phrased that so much better! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Scenario: A female coworker is going on a lunch run and wants to know if you want anything to eat.
Wrong way: Tell her what you want and hand her money.

Right way: Don’t ask for anything but hand her a wad of bills anyway. Wait, why is she doing the run to begin with? Chivalry is dead and it’s all your Goddamn fault! Oh great, I bet you’re feeling nauseous now. If you have to puke wait till she leaves, you can’t show weakness around her, that might make her uncomfortable and you don’t want to ruin her day. Oh God, do you think you ruined her day? In that case, you might want to puke in front of her in an attempt to appease her.

Scenario: A female coworker is being a bitch to you for completely unprovoked reasons.
Wrong way: Confront her about it in a positive manner and explain to her that you’re willing to help her out but you’d appreciate if she didn’t take her aggression out on you for no reason.

Right way: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE HER SO ANGRY?! LOOK AROUND, JACKASS! NO ONE ELSE IN THE OFFICE SEEMS TO BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT GUILTY! YOU BETTER SURPRISE HER TOMORROW WITH DOUGHNUTS OR YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH THIS GUILT.