Etiquette Excellence: Carnivals and Fairs

Do not think that because the word "Etiquette" has a Q in it that it only applies to inherently fancy things. Not so. Etiquette Excellence can cover almost any situation, for no matter where you are and what you are doing, there are always ways to screw it up. This is why in this edition of E.E, we will be seeing how to properly enjoy a carnival or fair without committing some sort of social fopah, ultimately making you the laughing stock of such a joyous occasion, making it much more joyous for everyone else.

Eating Funnel Cakes - They are delicious, but with great tastiness comes great responsibility. If you love America, then you no doubt had your's slathered with powdered sugar, and there is nothing wrong with that. You just have to remember German author KAFKA.

Keep All Fingers Klean and Auspicious

Learn from Kafka... Live a good, moral life and never be messy with your funnel cakes

There is nothing worse than licking powdered sugar off your hands at a place that is known to house 37 different types of airborne disease at any time. Use a fork or any utensil you can fashion out of your surroundings. Or you can just go at it face first. This might seem like more of a fopah, but you can easily play the powder off as if you are a Kabuki performer, or Courtney Love.

Don't be ugly - Yes, it can be a lot to ask of certain people, but this must be held in order to keep the great integrity of the carnival/fair. Carnivals have freakshows, and you do not want to appear as a threat to them in the instance that you might actually upstage them. The same goes to fairs and their pot-belly pig contests.

Fopahs can be avoided by trying to do something nice with your hair, or just staying in the car... And your hair isn't looking too good at all...

Throwing up - In the fantastical world that carnivals and fairs create, we somehow learn to cherish the people who just can't handle going in circles at fast speeds, but won't let that stop them from trying to have a good time. A recent Gallup poll shows that a standard carnival or fair will have 20 people throw up in a single night* and it has become a staple in America's culture that someone will spew chunks soon after becoming unharnessed and walking on solid ground.

Fun fact... As with all things in life, if Sandlot does it, it's A-OK. This ranges from vomiting at carnivals to making out with the lifeguard.

How can you create a fopah if society as accepted that you might throw up? It all depends on timing. Do not throw up during the ride at any time. In a tilt-a-whirl, your half-digested deep-fried Twinkie can and will do heavy damage to the unsuspecting 11 year old who's six people down from you. By throwing up in any variation of the infamous teacup ride, your friends will learn to hate you forever. Remember to keep swallowing back down until you touch the ground, which has been my own mantra for many tough times.

Do not taunt the carnies - Carnies, though it seem like they have it coming, are just like you and I. Despite their long claws for burrowing and their hardened skin that lets them function in temperatures of over five thousand degrees, carnies enjoy the finer things in life like we do.

Do not resort to the stereotype that all carnies work at carnivals. A brief history: After the world failed to adopt an exchange rate to their currency of various sedimentary rocks, Pioneer and Carnie Talmuk Festerborough decided to start a tour, called "Travisletis," with the other disenfranchised carnies who sought a better life above the ground. They toured with performances, makeshift rides, and various games of chance in order to make acceptable currency, but the world didn't care much about the entertainment they had planned. Rather, people flocked to the Travisletis to stare and mock the carnies freakish appearance. This misunderstanding is how Travisletis received the hateful name "Carnival."

If you really wanted to impress a Carnie, refer to the carnival you're at as a Travisletis. You will undoubtedly see a smile slowly grow across his face, and possibly a single tear roll down his cheek as he looks down at the ground and feels like he lives in a world today that his ancestor never thought was possible. More importantly, he'll probably give you a free ride on the bumper cars.

*This average is slightly skewed by one carnival which was a spirit building event for a local chapter of Bulimics Anonymous

Public Outcry: September 2007

From the shared desk of Leon Firestone and Mr. Jones,

This is a new segment that we are very excited to share with the world. This is a way for you, the reader, to feel welcome and at home with us, your carnies on this crazy and poorly constructed tilt-a-whirl we call life. We are opening our ears to your woes, but you will have to be creative with how you present your problem to us. There are four simple steps in order to have us see your query:

1. Have a problem that can only be solved by us - This can cover all bases, but we want something sincere. We want real problems. Don't ask us "How do I dupe old people into giving me road head?" That is something you should figure out on your own.

2. Write said problem into Google™ - Write your statement into Google™ search, and push enter.

3. This is where your creativity comes in. If anyone finds our site through Google™ search, we can see what "keywords" they searched with in order to get to our site. Therefore, any question you search in Google™ must have our site as a result. This can be done by including words we use a lot in our entries, or by asking for further knowledge in topics we already covered. Make sure you click the link to our site, or we will not get your question, and therefore, will go unanswered while you wallow away in self pity.

4. Wait for the next edition of Public Outcry - We will try to do it at the end of the month, depending on how the weekly publication cycle works.

Did you know... that push button education is here, but only takes a few more button pushes and a search engine?

Confused? Here are three results we got from people eager for us to answer their questions. Again, these are all retrieved from search engines, and the phrases they have searched for have lead them to the beacon of clarity and virtue that is the Survival Guide to Everyday Life.

• How [do I] to tell if someone is masturbating?

You should be able to tell if someone is masturbating by looking out for the three tell-tale signs.

1. Is the person despondent? Is it due to what seems to be a very intense interest in the internet porn he is hunched over?
   
2. Is the person sweating profusely? If it is a guy, is it from moving his hands up and down in effort to work his exposed, erect penis?
3. Are they wearing sunglasses, in effort to hide their bloodshot eyes from spending another night partying/whacking it profusely?
   

These are all things you need to keep in mind.

• Is it illegal to dump urine in a car?

While most states do not allow people to operate cars with open bottles of urine in them, there is no law against spilling urine all over the interior of your car or someone else's car as long as the car is in park. However, stipulations arise with what you are trying to say by dumping urine. Each animal's urine has a different meaning. While raccoon urine means you want to be theirs forever, deer pee is a sign of friendship.

• Manatee Vagina?
  

Yes. Someone stumbled into our world of immaculate advice with the search query of "Manatee Vagina?" Did they know we see see their dirty little curiosity? Probably not. But so is the beauty of the Public Outcry.

Sorry, but we cannot host hot pictures and videos of manatee vagina. Your query represents one of the taboo barriers we are not willing to break just yet. We do not want to be known as "The Jackie Robinson of Manatee Vagina." If you want to learn more about manatee vagina, please sneak into your local zoo after hours.

The whole operation might seem a little excessive, but think of it this way: These original contributors had no idea that we offered this service, and they were looking for another site to answer these problems. We have no idea if you are a fan, or just someone who was passing by to find answers. It does not matter, for we embrace both.

Once again, in simpler terms:

If you use Google to stumble upon our site, we can see what you searched and we want to use your searches for subject matter for our all knowing advice.

For example, if you wanted to know about some famous manatees in history, you could google the phrase "Mr. Jones famous manatees."

Why are we doing this instead of responding simply to emails? Writing an email is a conscious effort. You sit down with the intention of getting your questions answered.

By pulling from Google search results however, we see a lot of curiosities that a lot of people would not in their right mind ask anyone, and that is truly a beautiful thing.

Get it? Comment the post if you feel there is a need further explanation, or if you just want to talk about any of the posts or the site in general.

How do I win at carnival games?

Since the carnies first came here from deep within the Earth's core, carnival games have been a blessing and a plague on our fun. No matter what you do, your darts never pop the balloon, the milk cans never fall over, and thousands and thousands of orphaned stuffed animals go without a home, but are compensated with superpowers. Do not feel discouraged. Over 87% of the American population lose at carnival games on their first try, 93% on their second try, and usually settle for a consolation prizes on their third try to commemorate their failures. Since you are reading this to conquer this stereotype, you will not take 87% as an answer. You are here to singlehandedly take down that statistic by a .01 percentile. And for that, America thanks you. Here is all you need to know on how to conquer the most basic of carnival games.

Fun fact! The carnie uses its long fingers to burrow and can only see movement!

Ring toss - This one is tricky, for there are a lot of variables to account for. How big is the ring? How big is the object you have to toss it on? What is the ring made out of? Can the ring's bigness and material hurt your chances of how it hangs on the object you have tossed it at? The trick to throwing the ring comes down to luck. If you are having a lucky day, then you will no doubt succeed in this ring toss game. If you are not feeling lucky, then you have a significantly lesser chance of winning a stuffed animal made to somewhat resemble something.

Milk cans - The game borrows liberally from two of America's greatest past-times: baseball and anti-dairy propaganda. You have to throw a baseball at a stack of milk cans in effort to leave nothing standing. This might seem simple, until you realize that you cannot throw with your regular arm, and instead must throw with a crude cybernetic arm a carnie working the booth has made. What makes or breaks your performance is your pain threshold, as he amputates your arm in order to make way for his robot arm that offers a balanced playing field for all people involved. It helps to be ambidextrous, as he often picks the arm with your non-dominate hand. Once you are officially a cyborg, and you have remained calm and collected through the Civil War style amputation, hitting the bottles should come easy.

Shatter up - Another one that fuses baseball with another thing I don't give to damn about, shatter up suffers from a very unpleasant name. Besides that, this is a basic game of calculated swings. Pick a car, take a bat, and smash away at the windows. Like a pinata, your prizes are dependent on what you can find. Carnies know that the best looking cars are usually the hardest to break into, but are filled with the most prizes. Use this logic against them by breaking into poorer cars to salvage materials that make it easier to break into the richer cars. This carnival game can usually be found in my apartment's parking lot.

True Story! I wake up to this every other week!

Seashells - This is your basic game of seashells. Simply spin the tokens that the carnie gives you for at least 3 seconds, pick up the appropriate seashell, and write down and solve the math equation it gives you. Since carnies have gotten smart about the growing population of people with calculator watches, you have to do all of these procedures in 10 seconds. What helps here is the fact that all enchanted seashells will give you the answer to their math problem with you whisper the name of the wizard turned them into a seashell in the first place. However, whispering this name will cause them to change back into a human within the next few minutes, so I advise high-tailing it out of their before the carnie catches on that you broke the curse and actually did not know the simplicities of long division.