How do I win at carnival games?

Since the carnies first came here from deep within the Earth's core, carnival games have been a blessing and a plague on our fun. No matter what you do, your darts never pop the balloon, the milk cans never fall over, and thousands and thousands of orphaned stuffed animals go without a home, but are compensated with superpowers. Do not feel discouraged. Over 87% of the American population lose at carnival games on their first try, 93% on their second try, and usually settle for a consolation prizes on their third try to commemorate their failures. Since you are reading this to conquer this stereotype, you will not take 87% as an answer. You are here to singlehandedly take down that statistic by a .01 percentile. And for that, America thanks you. Here is all you need to know on how to conquer the most basic of carnival games.

Fun fact! The carnie uses its long fingers to burrow and can only see movement!

Ring toss - This one is tricky, for there are a lot of variables to account for. How big is the ring? How big is the object you have to toss it on? What is the ring made out of? Can the ring's bigness and material hurt your chances of how it hangs on the object you have tossed it at? The trick to throwing the ring comes down to luck. If you are having a lucky day, then you will no doubt succeed in this ring toss game. If you are not feeling lucky, then you have a significantly lesser chance of winning a stuffed animal made to somewhat resemble something.

Milk cans - The game borrows liberally from two of America's greatest past-times: baseball and anti-dairy propaganda. You have to throw a baseball at a stack of milk cans in effort to leave nothing standing. This might seem simple, until you realize that you cannot throw with your regular arm, and instead must throw with a crude cybernetic arm a carnie working the booth has made. What makes or breaks your performance is your pain threshold, as he amputates your arm in order to make way for his robot arm that offers a balanced playing field for all people involved. It helps to be ambidextrous, as he often picks the arm with your non-dominate hand. Once you are officially a cyborg, and you have remained calm and collected through the Civil War style amputation, hitting the bottles should come easy.

Shatter up - Another one that fuses baseball with another thing I don't give to damn about, shatter up suffers from a very unpleasant name. Besides that, this is a basic game of calculated swings. Pick a car, take a bat, and smash away at the windows. Like a pinata, your prizes are dependent on what you can find. Carnies know that the best looking cars are usually the hardest to break into, but are filled with the most prizes. Use this logic against them by breaking into poorer cars to salvage materials that make it easier to break into the richer cars. This carnival game can usually be found in my apartment's parking lot.

True Story! I wake up to this every other week!

Seashells - This is your basic game of seashells. Simply spin the tokens that the carnie gives you for at least 3 seconds, pick up the appropriate seashell, and write down and solve the math equation it gives you. Since carnies have gotten smart about the growing population of people with calculator watches, you have to do all of these procedures in 10 seconds. What helps here is the fact that all enchanted seashells will give you the answer to their math problem with you whisper the name of the wizard turned them into a seashell in the first place. However, whispering this name will cause them to change back into a human within the next few minutes, so I advise high-tailing it out of their before the carnie catches on that you broke the curse and actually did not know the simplicities of long division.