Public Outcry: September 2007

From the shared desk of Leon Firestone and Mr. Jones,

This is a new segment that we are very excited to share with the world. This is a way for you, the reader, to feel welcome and at home with us, your carnies on this crazy and poorly constructed tilt-a-whirl we call life. We are opening our ears to your woes, but you will have to be creative with how you present your problem to us. There are four simple steps in order to have us see your query:

1. Have a problem that can only be solved by us - This can cover all bases, but we want something sincere. We want real problems. Don't ask us "How do I dupe old people into giving me road head?" That is something you should figure out on your own.

2. Write said problem into Google™ - Write your statement into Google™ search, and push enter.

3. This is where your creativity comes in. If anyone finds our site through Google™ search, we can see what "keywords" they searched with in order to get to our site. Therefore, any question you search in Google™ must have our site as a result. This can be done by including words we use a lot in our entries, or by asking for further knowledge in topics we already covered. Make sure you click the link to our site, or we will not get your question, and therefore, will go unanswered while you wallow away in self pity.

4. Wait for the next edition of Public Outcry - We will try to do it at the end of the month, depending on how the weekly publication cycle works.

Did you know... that push button education is here, but only takes a few more button pushes and a search engine?

Confused? Here are three results we got from people eager for us to answer their questions. Again, these are all retrieved from search engines, and the phrases they have searched for have lead them to the beacon of clarity and virtue that is the Survival Guide to Everyday Life.

• How [do I] to tell if someone is masturbating?

You should be able to tell if someone is masturbating by looking out for the three tell-tale signs.

1. Is the person despondent? Is it due to what seems to be a very intense interest in the internet porn he is hunched over?
   
2. Is the person sweating profusely? If it is a guy, is it from moving his hands up and down in effort to work his exposed, erect penis?
3. Are they wearing sunglasses, in effort to hide their bloodshot eyes from spending another night partying/whacking it profusely?
   

These are all things you need to keep in mind.

• Is it illegal to dump urine in a car?

While most states do not allow people to operate cars with open bottles of urine in them, there is no law against spilling urine all over the interior of your car or someone else's car as long as the car is in park. However, stipulations arise with what you are trying to say by dumping urine. Each animal's urine has a different meaning. While raccoon urine means you want to be theirs forever, deer pee is a sign of friendship.

• Manatee Vagina?
  

Yes. Someone stumbled into our world of immaculate advice with the search query of "Manatee Vagina?" Did they know we see see their dirty little curiosity? Probably not. But so is the beauty of the Public Outcry.

Sorry, but we cannot host hot pictures and videos of manatee vagina. Your query represents one of the taboo barriers we are not willing to break just yet. We do not want to be known as "The Jackie Robinson of Manatee Vagina." If you want to learn more about manatee vagina, please sneak into your local zoo after hours.

The whole operation might seem a little excessive, but think of it this way: These original contributors had no idea that we offered this service, and they were looking for another site to answer these problems. We have no idea if you are a fan, or just someone who was passing by to find answers. It does not matter, for we embrace both.

Once again, in simpler terms:

If you use Google to stumble upon our site, we can see what you searched and we want to use your searches for subject matter for our all knowing advice.

For example, if you wanted to know about some famous manatees in history, you could google the phrase "Mr. Jones famous manatees."

Why are we doing this instead of responding simply to emails? Writing an email is a conscious effort. You sit down with the intention of getting your questions answered.

By pulling from Google search results however, we see a lot of curiosities that a lot of people would not in their right mind ask anyone, and that is truly a beautiful thing.

Get it? Comment the post if you feel there is a need further explanation, or if you just want to talk about any of the posts or the site in general.