Shirt folding is no doubt tricky business. You have to account for a variety of variables, such as sleeve size, shirt length, neck hole diameter, number of arm holes, and whether it not is has a witty phrase printed on it. However, there is an quicker and easier way to fold your shirts, no matter the arm hole count!
Step 1: Hold your shirt above the folding surface. Make sure to hold it in the typical Oarsman style, where the bottom of the shirt held higher than both sleeves.
Step 2: While it can be difficult for those who are just starting to fold shirts this fast, what you want to do is snap your wrist so the thicker bottom of the shirt spins around and gets into the significantly smaller neckhole. Once the shirt is in typical fornication style, you can lay it down on the folding surface.
Step 3: Using your index finger, grab onto the right sleeve of the shirt and pull it out.
Step 4: No, my right.
Step 5: With what you have clasped with your left finger, twirl it around the rest of the shirt until your hand gets caught in the fabric so tightly, that you start to lose feeling in that hand.
Step 6: In an act that represents your own rebirth, hold on to the wad of clothing with your other hand as you pull your other other hand out of the shirt.
Step 7: Using the kite finger, start spinning it around as if it was a pizza. Use a fake, near-derogatory Italian accent and say how spicy a figurative meat-a-balla is.
Step 8: With the shirt splayed out in all directions due to your pizza-spinning G-force, tie the sleeves together in a typical barmaids knot.
Step 9: In sync to track 3 of the "The Survival Guide to Everyday Life Presents The Smooth Easy-Listening Styles of Survival" CD, gently roll up the shirt and pantomime playing it as if it was a flute.
Step 10: After the fourth guitar solo, unroll the shirt and fold it into a triangle.
Step 11: Fold the triangle over itself in typical Corey Feldman style, and staple two of the three sides it so it cannot become undone.
Step 12: Put your head in the one side that is not stapled.
All you have to do is practice these steps, and you'll do to shirt folding what Pat Boone did to breakdancing in no time!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Bullshit or Bulltruth: E.E. Cummings
By understanding the life of a poet, we gain further insight into his work. As a fellow wordsmith, it is my responsibility to ensure that the life of E.E. Cummings is understood with perfect clarity so that his work will continue to be faithfully studied and appreciated.
E.E. Cummings was the first person to ever have the last name of ‘Cummings.”
Verdict: Bulltrue.
Under normal circumstances, one inherits their last name from their father. However, Cummings’s father, Edward Smith, wanted a daughter. After the future poet was born, Smith legally changed the boy’s last name to Cummings as punishment for having a Y chromosome. A typical terrible father would simply have settled for beating his son, but Smith was a busy man and he couldn’t fit that kind of a commitment into his schedule. He felt that by giving his son a nickname that would earn him a laborious amount of taunting, he could fulfill his neglective fatherly duties while on the road as a purveyor of fine silks from the East.
E.E. Cumming’s poetry employed unique uses of punctuation as a stylistic choice.
Verdict: Bullshit.
Again, his father is to blame. When Smith caught word that his son was making friends despite his last name, he made the boy take private English lessons. Cumming’s private teacher was actually an old college buddy of his father, who taught him wrong on purpose. Although many people are under the impression that Cumming’s poems transcend literary conventions, the truth of the matter is he was told that periods and commas should be used in a manner that reflects how happy you’re feeling at the time.
E.E. Cummings was married three times.
Verdict: Bullshit
Cummings was actually only engaged three times. His first two engagements never saw fruition because his father, unbeknownst to Cummings, stole his fiancés and buried them alive in a location still not known today.
Cummings is the funniest last name ever.
Verdict: Bulltruth.
Seriously, what an asshole.
E.E. Cummings was the first person to ever have the last name of ‘Cummings.”
Verdict: Bulltrue.
Under normal circumstances, one inherits their last name from their father. However, Cummings’s father, Edward Smith, wanted a daughter. After the future poet was born, Smith legally changed the boy’s last name to Cummings as punishment for having a Y chromosome. A typical terrible father would simply have settled for beating his son, but Smith was a busy man and he couldn’t fit that kind of a commitment into his schedule. He felt that by giving his son a nickname that would earn him a laborious amount of taunting, he could fulfill his neglective fatherly duties while on the road as a purveyor of fine silks from the East.
E.E. Cumming’s poetry employed unique uses of punctuation as a stylistic choice.
Verdict: Bullshit.
Again, his father is to blame. When Smith caught word that his son was making friends despite his last name, he made the boy take private English lessons. Cumming’s private teacher was actually an old college buddy of his father, who taught him wrong on purpose. Although many people are under the impression that Cumming’s poems transcend literary conventions, the truth of the matter is he was told that periods and commas should be used in a manner that reflects how happy you’re feeling at the time.
E.E. Cummings was married three times.
Verdict: Bullshit
Cummings was actually only engaged three times. His first two engagements never saw fruition because his father, unbeknownst to Cummings, stole his fiancés and buried them alive in a location still not known today.
Cummings is the funniest last name ever.
Verdict: Bulltruth.
Seriously, what an asshole.
Friday, March 7, 2008
How do I steal Christmas?
Though we can all agree that Christmas is a magical time, we can also see that such magic should not go unhoarded. It's an innocent holiday. The kids love it and it revolves around gift-giving and being nice to people. It seems like everyone benefits, right there.
But what if you want to benefit MORE?
No one can blame you. With various gifts, traditional food, plentiful good-cheer, and the feeling of being a complete dick to families across the world, stealing Christmas is no doubt one of the best "get rich quick" strategies out on the market. Stealing Christmas, not to be confused with Surviving Christmas, can prove to be quite the benefit to you and whom ever you choose to split the spoils with. (Note: Do not split your spoils.)
Of course, there are many ways to go about stealing Christmas. Some of them are for material gain, while others are for self-satisfaction in ruining someone else's Christmas.
1. Orphan Heist
Despite being an awesome band name, the orphan heist involves you and an inside man who is working within an orphanage. If you do not know someone, you can most likely bribe a nun for dirt cheap. Have him/her organize a massive toy donation in time for Christmas, and have a huge drop box where the orphans can crowd around and marvel at all the toys they think they are getting. Then, on the night before Christmas, you and your friend go into the orphanage and replace all the gifts with copies of the Wayans Brother's magnum opus "Little Man" on DVD. Now whenever you walk by the orphanage, you will most likely hear the hijinks that are bound to happen when a midget tries to play himself off as a baby.
How you benefit
SOOOO many free toys. It doesn't matter if you don't have kids. You can just stash them all in an unused room of your apartment. Every once in awhile, you can look at them. And you will bellow a hearty laugh every time you look.
Did you know... that Little Man has become so imbedded in orphan culture, that many of them try to pass off as babies left on doorsteps in order to belong?
2. The Dinner Sinner
American's are pretty fat. So naturally, a high priority during the holidays is eating. That is why starting Black Friday, you are going to pick 5 different grocery stores in your area, and completely buy out all of their choice meats on daily basis. You must collect every turkey, pig, roast, lamb, tofu bird, anything that can be eaten as a big family meal.
How you benefit
You gotta spend money to make money, so they say. By putting yourself in the hole financially, you can rest easy knowing that you are sleeping right next to a dinner meat goldmine. If you are still bummed about having to spend so much money, you can throw your expired meats from an overpass onto the cars below.
3. Santa Is Dead
The first step is to obtain a Santa costume. The last step is cook yourself in a rotisserie in front of the numerous kids exploring SantaLand at a major department store.
How you benefit
Alright, so this is a tad altruistic for it to be an effective con. You really do not steal anything tangible, but you do steal the innocence of childhood, and I hear that's going to be the next heroin or something. Stock up now.
4. Letting the World Know
For preperation, all you need is a flamboyant guy friend to come to your family's Christmas dinner.
How you benefit
In most of these scenarios, you really do not get to sit back and relax as you see other people's worlds crumble down around them. By coming out of the closet at dinner, you can stand awkwardly at the head of the table, hand in hand with Fernando, as you watch your parents' feelings internalize and become filled with questions and confusion which only lead to anger. It's a pretty fun experience, as Mr. Jones can tell you.
Did you know... that there was something in the air that night, the stars so bright? Fernando?
But what if you want to benefit MORE?
No one can blame you. With various gifts, traditional food, plentiful good-cheer, and the feeling of being a complete dick to families across the world, stealing Christmas is no doubt one of the best "get rich quick" strategies out on the market. Stealing Christmas, not to be confused with Surviving Christmas, can prove to be quite the benefit to you and whom ever you choose to split the spoils with. (Note: Do not split your spoils.)
Of course, there are many ways to go about stealing Christmas. Some of them are for material gain, while others are for self-satisfaction in ruining someone else's Christmas.
1. Orphan Heist
Despite being an awesome band name, the orphan heist involves you and an inside man who is working within an orphanage. If you do not know someone, you can most likely bribe a nun for dirt cheap. Have him/her organize a massive toy donation in time for Christmas, and have a huge drop box where the orphans can crowd around and marvel at all the toys they think they are getting. Then, on the night before Christmas, you and your friend go into the orphanage and replace all the gifts with copies of the Wayans Brother's magnum opus "Little Man" on DVD. Now whenever you walk by the orphanage, you will most likely hear the hijinks that are bound to happen when a midget tries to play himself off as a baby.
How you benefit
SOOOO many free toys. It doesn't matter if you don't have kids. You can just stash them all in an unused room of your apartment. Every once in awhile, you can look at them. And you will bellow a hearty laugh every time you look.
Did you know... that Little Man has become so imbedded in orphan culture, that many of them try to pass off as babies left on doorsteps in order to belong?2. The Dinner Sinner
American's are pretty fat. So naturally, a high priority during the holidays is eating. That is why starting Black Friday, you are going to pick 5 different grocery stores in your area, and completely buy out all of their choice meats on daily basis. You must collect every turkey, pig, roast, lamb, tofu bird, anything that can be eaten as a big family meal.
How you benefit
You gotta spend money to make money, so they say. By putting yourself in the hole financially, you can rest easy knowing that you are sleeping right next to a dinner meat goldmine. If you are still bummed about having to spend so much money, you can throw your expired meats from an overpass onto the cars below.
3. Santa Is Dead
The first step is to obtain a Santa costume. The last step is cook yourself in a rotisserie in front of the numerous kids exploring SantaLand at a major department store.
How you benefit
Alright, so this is a tad altruistic for it to be an effective con. You really do not steal anything tangible, but you do steal the innocence of childhood, and I hear that's going to be the next heroin or something. Stock up now.
4. Letting the World Know
For preperation, all you need is a flamboyant guy friend to come to your family's Christmas dinner.
How you benefit
In most of these scenarios, you really do not get to sit back and relax as you see other people's worlds crumble down around them. By coming out of the closet at dinner, you can stand awkwardly at the head of the table, hand in hand with Fernando, as you watch your parents' feelings internalize and become filled with questions and confusion which only lead to anger. It's a pretty fun experience, as Mr. Jones can tell you.
Did you know... that there was something in the air that night, the stars so bright? Fernando?Wednesday, March 5, 2008
What’s the best way to fill out a FAFSA?
FAFSA (Fucking Application for Fucking Student Aid) is a necessary evil for a college student. Its purpose is noble enough: to provide students with money from Uncle Sam’s wallet so they don’t have to attend Eastern Illinois University. Unfortunately, in order to get those sweet learnin’ dollars, one must complete FAFSA in it’s entirety, which, in and of itself, as many critics claim, is an experience like no other.
Allot Time Accordingly
The FAFSA form is about 20+ hours long with an expansive level up system, three escort missions, and an optional hotel management component. Although FAFSA has a save feature, deadline can sneak up on you, so it’s entirely possible you might have to complete it in one sitting. If this is the case, I suggest staying home from work and clearing your schedule. If you’re pregnant and dangerously approaching labor, try being less pregnant.
Familiarize yourself with the following tips:
Upon completion, the FAFSA will award you a letter grade based on your performance. Although one might assume A is the highest, there is, in fact, a secret S rank for the extremely skilled.
The formula for determining rank is as follows:
(Gil spent on Tents)*(Hidden packages found)/(Number of game overs)+(Number of bar patrons saved during the siege sequence)
Note: As of 2004, The Bush administration has passed legislation so that the number of bar patrons saved will not go towards your final score. This is widely disputed because many poor players found reprieve in the comparatively easy siege sequence.
Allot Time Accordingly
The FAFSA form is about 20+ hours long with an expansive level up system, three escort missions, and an optional hotel management component. Although FAFSA has a save feature, deadline can sneak up on you, so it’s entirely possible you might have to complete it in one sitting. If this is the case, I suggest staying home from work and clearing your schedule. If you’re pregnant and dangerously approaching labor, try being less pregnant.
Familiarize yourself with the following tips:
- Cure spells, when used on undead, will deal damage equal to the same amount they would otherwise heal. This is particularly useful about halfway through FAFSA when you start dealing with necromancers en masse.
- Stay away from throwing weapons! Although initially the damage is impressive, their damage scales off quickly as you progress to the later sections of FAFSA.
- Don’t wander into major encounters before equipping your party with the best from local merchants. A little preparation goes a long way, and who knows how long you’ll go before you see another vendor?
- Side quests for each character’s ultimate weapon are time consuming and the pay off is not particularly impressive. If you have the time, go for it, but if it’s between getting Suey’s bayonet launcher and getting stuck at Eastern, go without the ultimate weapons. Again, Eastern sucks.
- Red barrels explode. But you knew that already, right?
Upon completion, the FAFSA will award you a letter grade based on your performance. Although one might assume A is the highest, there is, in fact, a secret S rank for the extremely skilled.
The formula for determining rank is as follows:
(Gil spent on Tents)*(Hidden packages found)/(Number of game overs)+(Number of bar patrons saved during the siege sequence)
Note: As of 2004, The Bush administration has passed legislation so that the number of bar patrons saved will not go towards your final score. This is widely disputed because many poor players found reprieve in the comparatively easy siege sequence.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Public Outcry: 6 habits for very successful homeless ladies.
Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.
The Google query - "Homeless Ladies Survival Guide"
Our interpretation - "6 habits for very successful homeless ladies."
As far as things that are homeless go, ladies are by far the sexiest. Seeing that foxy thing following business men up and down the street, yelling about the space goat and God knows what else, it becomes difficult to not be blown away by her self-confidence and enchanting musk. All of these enchanting qualities are part of an act that many successful homeless women follow in order to bring in the major coinage. Now, here are 6 habits that they can follow:
1. Choose consistent locations - You know that one fine piece of ass you see sleeping on the bench every time you are off to the office? That's not because she's a lazy dog. No, this quick fox is sleeping in the same place to build up a rapport with the countless city dwellers around her. Don't judge her. You work in an office, she works on a bench. The only difference is that she doesn't play by the rules, and that makes her so much hotter.
2. Dress for success - While you might be thinking pantsuits, baggy clothes are actually the best. This helps her hide her figure, leaving many possible donators to overestimate how super-sexy she really is. Since baggy is in this year, Chanle has a wide variety for homeless ladies of all shapes and sizes to choose from.
3. Have a gimmick - Carrot Top has props, Jerry Lewis has muscular dystrophy, and your local homeless lady has her own thing that sets her apart. Usually, this is a script she recites when she wants you to glance at her, and become trapped in her come-hither stare. The more outlandish the better in most cases, so be prepared for odd-ball religions and rare diseases. In some cases, both.
4. Maintain the body - Appearance is key when it comes to getting money out of men. Successful homeless women realize this, and doll themselves up for prospective givers. This is why it is often rumored that homeless women initially started the institution of marriage and monogamy in order to put a roof over their head. For maximum sexiness, they usually use herbal essence shampoo AND conditioner, and sometimes even follow that up with the body wash, but only if it was a good haul that week.
5. Make and achieve goals - Upon seeing a homeless woman, one might make some hasty judgments and assume they are all beauty and no brains. In reality, homeless women are goal driven and strive to accomplish much in their lives. In fact, there has been many great women through history that have started by living on the streets. Elanor Roosevelt actually met her presidential husband when he misconstrued her as a gigolo.
6. Get a bachelors degree - It's no doubt that people get paid more depending on their level of education, and with panhandling, it is no different. However, keep in mind that homeless women still only get 79 cents to the homeless man's dollar.
The Google query - "Homeless Ladies Survival Guide"
Our interpretation - "6 habits for very successful homeless ladies."
As far as things that are homeless go, ladies are by far the sexiest. Seeing that foxy thing following business men up and down the street, yelling about the space goat and God knows what else, it becomes difficult to not be blown away by her self-confidence and enchanting musk. All of these enchanting qualities are part of an act that many successful homeless women follow in order to bring in the major coinage. Now, here are 6 habits that they can follow:
1. Choose consistent locations - You know that one fine piece of ass you see sleeping on the bench every time you are off to the office? That's not because she's a lazy dog. No, this quick fox is sleeping in the same place to build up a rapport with the countless city dwellers around her. Don't judge her. You work in an office, she works on a bench. The only difference is that she doesn't play by the rules, and that makes her so much hotter.
2. Dress for success - While you might be thinking pantsuits, baggy clothes are actually the best. This helps her hide her figure, leaving many possible donators to overestimate how super-sexy she really is. Since baggy is in this year, Chanle has a wide variety for homeless ladies of all shapes and sizes to choose from.
3. Have a gimmick - Carrot Top has props, Jerry Lewis has muscular dystrophy, and your local homeless lady has her own thing that sets her apart. Usually, this is a script she recites when she wants you to glance at her, and become trapped in her come-hither stare. The more outlandish the better in most cases, so be prepared for odd-ball religions and rare diseases. In some cases, both.
4. Maintain the body - Appearance is key when it comes to getting money out of men. Successful homeless women realize this, and doll themselves up for prospective givers. This is why it is often rumored that homeless women initially started the institution of marriage and monogamy in order to put a roof over their head. For maximum sexiness, they usually use herbal essence shampoo AND conditioner, and sometimes even follow that up with the body wash, but only if it was a good haul that week.
5. Make and achieve goals - Upon seeing a homeless woman, one might make some hasty judgments and assume they are all beauty and no brains. In reality, homeless women are goal driven and strive to accomplish much in their lives. In fact, there has been many great women through history that have started by living on the streets. Elanor Roosevelt actually met her presidential husband when he misconstrued her as a gigolo.
6. Get a bachelors degree - It's no doubt that people get paid more depending on their level of education, and with panhandling, it is no different. However, keep in mind that homeless women still only get 79 cents to the homeless man's dollar.
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