But what if you want to benefit MORE?
No one can blame you. With various gifts, traditional food, plentiful good-cheer, and the feeling of being a complete dick to families across the world, stealing Christmas is no doubt one of the best "get rich quick" strategies out on the market. Stealing Christmas, not to be confused with Surviving Christmas, can prove to be quite the benefit to you and whom ever you choose to split the spoils with. (Note: Do not split your spoils.)
Of course, there are many ways to go about stealing Christmas. Some of them are for material gain, while others are for self-satisfaction in ruining someone else's Christmas.
1. Orphan Heist
Despite being an awesome band name, the orphan heist involves you and an inside man who is working within an orphanage. If you do not know someone, you can most likely bribe a nun for dirt cheap. Have him/her organize a massive toy donation in time for Christmas, and have a huge drop box where the orphans can crowd around and marvel at all the toys they think they are getting. Then, on the night before Christmas, you and your friend go into the orphanage and replace all the gifts with copies of the Wayans Brother's magnum opus "Little Man" on DVD. Now whenever you walk by the orphanage, you will most likely hear the hijinks that are bound to happen when a midget tries to play himself off as a baby.
How you benefit
SOOOO many free toys. It doesn't matter if you don't have kids. You can just stash them all in an unused room of your apartment. Every once in awhile, you can look at them. And you will bellow a hearty laugh every time you look.
Did you know... that Little Man has become so imbedded in orphan culture, that many of them try to pass off as babies left on doorsteps in order to belong?2. The Dinner Sinner
American's are pretty fat. So naturally, a high priority during the holidays is eating. That is why starting Black Friday, you are going to pick 5 different grocery stores in your area, and completely buy out all of their choice meats on daily basis. You must collect every turkey, pig, roast, lamb, tofu bird, anything that can be eaten as a big family meal.
How you benefit
You gotta spend money to make money, so they say. By putting yourself in the hole financially, you can rest easy knowing that you are sleeping right next to a dinner meat goldmine. If you are still bummed about having to spend so much money, you can throw your expired meats from an overpass onto the cars below.
3. Santa Is Dead
The first step is to obtain a Santa costume. The last step is cook yourself in a rotisserie in front of the numerous kids exploring SantaLand at a major department store.
How you benefit
Alright, so this is a tad altruistic for it to be an effective con. You really do not steal anything tangible, but you do steal the innocence of childhood, and I hear that's going to be the next heroin or something. Stock up now.
4. Letting the World Know
For preperation, all you need is a flamboyant guy friend to come to your family's Christmas dinner.
How you benefit
In most of these scenarios, you really do not get to sit back and relax as you see other people's worlds crumble down around them. By coming out of the closet at dinner, you can stand awkwardly at the head of the table, hand in hand with Fernando, as you watch your parents' feelings internalize and become filled with questions and confusion which only lead to anger. It's a pretty fun experience, as Mr. Jones can tell you.
Did you know... that there was something in the air that night, the stars so bright? Fernando?
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