What if I become aware of my own surprise party ahead of time, effectively ruining “the surprise?

Authors note: I, Mr. Jones, have recently been mailed an informational flyer about a very interesting political party called the CFL (Cannibals For Liberty). Having had my interest effectively piqued by the presentation of the brochure, (such an effective use of color!) I chose to sit in on one of their meetings and it’s clear that this is the political party for me. I know stand a more enlightened, passionate person. However, I will not let my newly found political views affect my sage-like advice. With that being said, let’s move on.

If you find yourself accidentally becoming aware of your own surprise party, chances are your parents are throwing the party. This is understandable, because the average parent offers a limitless supply of disappointment.

In a perfect world, once we reach breeding age we would turn and devour our parents, feasting on the massive amounts of nutrients their bodies, ripe with age and experience, have to offer. Not only could you live off a single parent for an extremely long time, but this practice could effectively counteract the longer average life span that comes as a result of countless medicinal breakthroughs over the years that ultimately contribute to the overpopulation of our planet. Sadly, eating parents is not standard procedure (yet) so you’ll have to hang tough through crappy surprise parties.

On the off chance that the people throwing the party are not your parents, the following tips are still applicable. Just realize you have some pretty lame friends that can’t even throw a decent surprise party. I also feel we should eat our friends’ nutrient-rich bodies when we reach breeding age, more or less for the same reasons for eating parents, but I digress.

Nonetheless, you should avoid catastrophe if you remember these three basic things:

• Make sure they have no idea you are aware of the surprise. This should be priority number one. Avoid using words like party, birthday, or surprise in everyday speech. Not only will this cover your tracks, but it also encourages the use of synonyms!

• Make sure your moment of “surprise” is believable. Remember, act natural. Do not, I repeat, do not milk the moment. If you normally wouldn't swear loudly, hardcore dance or pole vault over grandma when legitimately surprised, don't do it here.

• Devour party-goers. This is the moment you were waiting for. Social gatherings are key for getting people to further our cannibal agenda. Be polite, make plenty of eye contact and smile a lot, but most importantly make sure all exits are effectively blocked, locked or sealed. People are more likely to listen to idealisms of a happy, enthusiastic cannibal especially if they're trapped and are without choice. Also, do not hesitate to eat someone as an example. It's amazing what people will comply to if it means not getting eaten.

Remember: by following these tips you are protecting yourself from disaster and laying the blueprints to allow our fellow cannibal brethren to eat our way to a better future.