D.I.Y. Time!: How to make your own soaps

Fresh scented anti-bacterial hand sanitizer, or SOAP, is common and free in public washrooms. However, if you want the excitement of soap in your own home, it'll cost you. For years, the fat cats at Johnson & Johnson and Colgate-Palmolive have been making monkeys out of you, and not even the cool kind of monkeys that solve crimes, check into hotels, or skateboard. The lame monkeys who just hang out in trees, throwing feces, and wishing they could be like us. Stop throwing poop and become a man/woman by learning how to make your own soap from household products!

Gather the materials - Obviously, you need the items before you can even think about making some fresh scented anti-bacterial hand sanitizer in the privacy of your own home. We'll go about this in the order of the acronym.

• First, the fresh scent. For this you will want to get a bunch of bananas. It does not matter on whether you want to smell like bananas, this is merely the easiest fruit to deal with when making a soap. Once you get the hang of it, you can move on to better things. For now though, bananas.

• The materials needed for the anti-bacterial part are kinda tricky. As you know, some insects have healing agents in their body, like that Egyptian beetle that can give you immortality or something (I saw "The Mummy" while tripping balls, so some of the finer details are hazy.) The bug you need for the job is your everyday lice, which can be easily picked from animals and ill-kept friends and family. To be safe, gather about 2 pounds of them.
  

• The actual hand sanitizer is how you hold the both fresh scent and the anti-bacterial qualities of lice and banana together. It is my pleasure to inform you that the materials you need to bond this materials is under your nose. A few feet lower. And around the corner. Yes, feces are the best way to marry these items. I know what you're thinking, but this is the most cost-effective way to make soap by a good 10 dollars, and you wouldn't be reading this now if you wanted to spend money. Therefore, waste is the winner!

Assembly - Like making a batch of cookies, this requires adding ingredients to the mixing bowl on time intervals. First you take your lice and pour them into the bowl. Then, using a pestle or a femur as a tool, grind the lice to powder small. After about 3 minutes of vigorously beating the lice to the tune of "Also sprach Zarathustra," by Richard Strauss, better known as Ric Flair's theme music, unwrap a banana, add it to the mix, and continue beating it until banana and lice are mixed into a substance I like to call "liceana." Once liceana is achieved, continue mixing until you've read all of the next paragraph and know what you have to do.

Liceana is an unstable union, and if you do not add human waste within a seconds, all of the fresh scent and anti-bacterial properties will be lost. This means that you will have to fling your feces quickly into the bowl. After said deed is done, mix for another 30 seconds. Then jar the soap and microwave it for 30 minutes, followed by 10 minutes of room temperature, then followed by keeping it stored in a refrigerator overnight. The next morning, pour it into an old soap dispenser.

Admire your hard work! You have successfully made your very own soap! It might not look like something Johnson & Johnson would sell, but you'll witness first hand how much better it works than their watered-down products. Now you can raise your bubbly fist in defiance to those fat cats and yell about how you'll never be played as a monkey again!