Travel Guide: The Many Memorials of Washington D.C.

If you're planning a trip for your family, look no further than Washington D.C. Though it is now a haven for corruption and crime, all of that can looked over by sightseeing at the memorials and monuments that commemorate America's proudest citizens and greatest achievements. In typical Survival Guide to Everyday Life fashion, we will not only give you the most ideal locations, but also give you the histories and details that are often forgotten by the general public.

Arlington National Cemetery & Robert E. Lee Memorial - Quite possibly one of the most famous cemeteries to date, the land was originally the home of General Robert E. Lee. The house was built in 1817 by George Custis, the adopted son of George Washington and the first case of Standard Orphan Syndrome on American soil. The house serves as a testament to the powers an orphan can receive by being neglected, as the building features an impressive 20 stories, though all but 3 are underground, and all but 6 can only be seen in the fifth dimension.

The graveyard itself houses some of the most spectacular corpses in American history. It currently holds all the Unknown Soldiers, most Kennedys, prize fighter Joe Louis, and Buddy the dog of Air Bud fame. It is because of this that I do not recommend bringing your kids here. Then again, why would you bring your kids to a cemetery on a vacation, you sick fuck?

Thomas Jefferson Memorial - The Thomas Jefferson Memorial has new teeth constantly being formed in rows in his jaw. Thomas Jefferson's teeth are normally replaced every eight days. I am currently trying to find research to support this claim, but I think this was just the result of common delusion due to late nights during Shark Week.

Korean War Veterans Memorial - For years, the Korean War Veterans Memorial has been the second choice after tourists realize how packed the Vietnam Veteran Memorial is. These people didn't die unjustly, nor for a lie. It was pretty much the cleanest war we have fought post-WWII. It is because of this that the war is frequently forgotten in the annals of history. And honestly, there isn't much to look at. Chances are that your kids will just try climbing the statues of the brave men and women who gave their lives in Korea for some reason, and you don't want to considered as THAT family, do you?

Washington Monument - Most commonly revered as the most accurate sculpture of George Washington to date.

Lincoln Memorial - The main attraction to many Washington D.C. trips, the Lincoln Memorial consists of Greek temple, housing a 19 foot tall statue of Lincoln sitting in his power throne. When standing, this Lincoln is at a mighty 25 feet and most likely thirsting the blood of the South. In case Lincoln is awoken from his slumber, chains have been fastened around him to prevent wanton destruction. The best way to kill Lincoln is to go through the wall behind him and kill the head of Robert E. Lee, which is still living, breathing, and residing on a pike. You will need the NoClip cheat for this.

The 36 columns on the memorial are symbolic of the 36 bullet wounds that Lincoln suffered on that fateful night at Ford Theater.