House Calls: Internet Deprivation

Causes: Thank God you took off work to go on that family vacation. You were in such a haste to leave, you left all of your technological gadgetry behind, leaving your SideBerries and iZunes and the like to collect dust on the end table. This wasn't your original intention, but your spouse stated that you spend too much time "jacked in" to the "information super-highway" and it was really "pissing them off." You begrudgingly left all of that behind. Besides, are you really going to be RSSpoon fed your entire life? This vacation is your stand in reclaiming your life, by actually living outside the business world!

Then you realize you really need some internet porn.

Synopsis: Internet deprivation is much more than just missing internet porn. This can also be a result of missing out on everyday internet occurrences like forums, electronic mail, RSS news feeds, internet fads, hot young singles wanting to talk to you, or being surprised that one of your ex-school mates is married with another person from the same high school... AND THEY HAVE NINE KIDS?!

Symptoms: You should be able to recognize the disease from this timeline:

15 minutes without internet: Anxiousness and a constant worry that you just missed something cool.

30 minutes without internet: You see something, and wonder "what would 'Link420' say about that?"

1 hour without internet: Heart burn

2 hours without internet: You lose your appetite because your Parmesan chicken is not Food 2.0.

4 hours without internet: You start video blogging, using your cat as a camera.

8 hours without internet: Ability to speak is lost, and can only respond to other people with a thumbs up or thumbs down.

16 hours without internet: Death.

24 hours without internet: Your death is posted on your myspace, facebook, okurt, friendster, okcupid, and AdultFriendFinder profiles.

Did you know... that before the internet, people died in the coolest ways ever?

Treatments: There is an obvious treatment, which would be to get to the nearest cyber cafe or internet ready computer and start suckling on the precious internet teat. If there are no said possible connections around and symptoms are starting to get serious, then you can try for an artificial dose of internet. There are still several ways you can "log on" to the internet wherever you are.

• Find a cat and watch it play around with its surroundings. Think of different things it could be saying, taking into account the brain capacity and limited English of a cat and how that would effect the construction of its sentences.

• Go to a playground and call an 8 year old a cuntaroonie. Argue with his friends, too.

• Cut off peoples sentences with things you think they are going to say, based off of previous sentences.

• Go through your DVD collection, watch everything, then find one line of dialog you'd think would be awesome if played on A-B repeat. Also, find something to stare at while listening.

• Go to a real pornography boutique.

• Spot a fat kid walking down the street. What song should he be singing and dancing to? Does his dance rely heavily on arm pumps?

• Show everyone you know a picture you have in your wallet. Have them talk about how "true" it is.