How do I leave a job with class?

Making your exit from an employer on your own terms is one of the few times that you experience the rush of breaking the shackles of your suppressors and believe that from now on things will be different. While things won't be different, that rush of quitting is the only time that fate will grant you the simple joy of 10-pound testicles. No matter if you are a boy or a girl or have previously experienced elephantitis of the nutsack in a job-leaving-related incident, it is a good feeling that you will never forget.

However, this rush must come naturally, and you cannot just take up jobs in hopes to leave them right away. Instead, you have to take a job, work it for at least five years. Everyday you work, just think about how great that feeling is going to be when you leave everyone behind. Do not tell any of your bosses your plan. They might promote you because you are so smart, and that will alienate you from coworkers.

So we know that leaving the job is fun, but it's how you do it that will turn those 10 pounds to 30 pounds. All of these are arranged to ensure you leave on the best terms possible.

The Domino Effect
Come in the day before and arrange pen boxes/toner cartridge boxes/anything monolithic in a domino pattern. Have fun with where it travels, but make sure it starts at the door and goes all the way to your bosses office. When your boss walks in, he will instinctively push the box and set the chaos into motion. It should take a good 15 minutes until it reaches your bosses office. When he goes into his office, he will notice that the dominos spell out "I'm outta here." He will then be treated to you laying naked on his desk whilst massaging his wife sensually with a picture of his son that he had laying around.

Magic Trick
When you come into work, clock in and go directly to your bosses office. Bring a magician's hat with you. Tell him that you have a magic trick prepared. This will generate squeals of excitement because, hey, magic is cool. Reach into your hat and pull out a live rabbit to establish that your magic is legit and harmless. After he is in his comfort zone, reach into your hat and pull out the urn of one of his parents. Show it around the room and do not waiver under anything he says to you. Then, proceed to eat the contents of the urn, keep it within you for 30 seconds, then throw it up on or around your boss. As he kicks you out, he'll notice the remnants of his parent(s) on the floor mixed with your breakfast, and how they are arranged to spell out "You can't fire me, I quit" in perfect Arial font.

The Gentleman
Dog doo in a fire bag. But the bag is made out of his dog.