In America, Thanksgiving is obviously the celebration of the invention of hats with buckles on them. That fashion was then mercilessly imposed on the Native Americans and when they eventually caved, we celebrated with a turkey dinner.
But what about around the world? Holidays are by definition universal the world over (derived from the Latin roots hollus and dayus, which means “celebrated” and “by all motherfuckers,” respectively), so how does turkey day look in the scope of other cultures?
Ignorant reader, allow me to force-feed you some culture.
In Columbia…
A typical Colombian family will have a meal similar to an American Thanksgiving dinner. However, the side dishes, silverware, and the table itself will be made of cocaine. The turkey will remain typical poultry. Unless of course the family is poor. In which case, the turkey will be made of cocaine.
In Germany…
German children will spend the day before hiding their shoes. In all honesty, this isn’t really a German Thanksgiving thing as it is just a German thing in general.
In Jamaica…
John Candy goes door to door organizing families into bobsled teams. The families then race against the clock on a bobsled track three times. As is Jamaican custom, the first run is embarrassing, the second one is impressive, and the third and final run comes dangerously close to breaking an Olympic record but tragedy strikes and the bobsled flips over. The family then carries the bobsled to the finish line while receiving rousing applause in the process. Much like Americans, Jamaicans often confuse John Candy and Chris Farley.
In North Korea…
People starve as a frightening government pursues nuclear weaponry in lieu of any sort of social welfare program. It’s kind of like half of a Tom Clancy novel.
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