How do I make sure my kids believe in Santa?

Children today are a different breed. They are smarter than previous generations. No longer can we easily control them using carrots tied to sticks. This increase in analytical skill in children is normally a good thing. However, come Christmas time, kids run a huge risk of ruining the magic of Christmas for everyone.

Parenting circa 1950.

Psychologically condition your children to fear an absence of Santa. It is one thing to have your children believe in Santa, but it’s far more empowering as a parent to have your children mentally associate an absence of him with tragedy. There are many ways to do this. One example is to hang a picture of him in your child’s room. On random days, remove the picture and hide it somewhere. On the days your child is without the picture, call a family meeting and stab your spouse with a fake knife. Employ lots of screaming and fake blood to make it believable. Soon your son or daughter will realize no Santa means mommy gets stabbed.

Note: This method does not require you to be married. Single parents can work out a deal with the mailman so that he “breaks in” and “brutally stabs you” on days that best fit your schedule.

Emphasize the sheer stopping power of Santa’s reindeer. Take your child and one of his/her friends to a Reindeer farm. While there, do everything in your power to start a stampede. If someone gets hurt, takes lots of pictures and have your child make a collage to hang in his room.

Dispel untruths about the chimney. Children are often skeptical of how such a large man manages to slide down a chimney to deliver presents. Explain to your child that it actually involves no magic whatsoever. To prove your point, repeatedly drop your child through the chimney. If your house does not have a chimney, tell your child that Santa can phase through walls in the same way they cannot. This of course, should be followed by a lengthy demonstration.