Early childhood development: Bullshit or Bulltruth?

For new parents, any small difference in their baby's development from anything found in the countless books they've read could be a telltale sign of failed parenthood, leaving them doomed to raise this self-defecating embodiment of their mistakes. However, some of these norms are misconceptions, and we will now wade through the bulltruth to find some answers.

"If your child skips crawling and goes straight to walking, he/she will be bad at math."

Verdict: Plausible

I know, this segment is not called Bullshit or Bulltruth or Plausible, but keep in mind that we tried to force alliteration into our subjects, and clever-sounding names come first above all else. With that aside, this rule has many exceptions due to the definition of "walking." While some parents will refer to their baby's walking as the child standing upright and carefully alternating steps with each foot, others might see walking as when a baby drags it's head across carpet, tile, dirt, anything, as if he is constantly epically failing at breakdancing. In both cases, the child is bad at math if it's a girl.

"Cats can steal the air from a baby's mouth."

Verdict: Bulltruth

Though this wording of the myth can be misleading, the synopsis I gathered through extensive research is that "cats will fuck your baby up." It's like if you were to being suffocated by a pillow, but that pillow was actually furry and something you feed on a somewhat regular basis. Cats fight a multi-front war against dogs, water and cheezburger, so why not add babies to the list?

So cute... but so DEAD!

"A mother's dependency on drugs during pregnancy can affect the growth in a child."

Verdict: Bulltruth

This is no laughing matter: irresponsible mothers should think about the insurmountable damage they are doing to their kids. What I am referring to is F.A.S, or Fucking Awesome Syndrome. Let's say a mother of the child drinks, smokes, or does any sort of illegal drug/cool thing (ie, skydiving, matador-ing,) while she is pregnant. During prenatal development, this risky behavior and badassedness pools together and manifests into one cool baby. While many babies are still trying to walk, (or drag their head in a retarded breakdancing fashion) your F.A.S. baby will be dancing with the sexiest bitches at the hottest coke parties in town. We're talking a cool level of at least 17 Fonzies jumping over 34 sharks. Mother's, you owe it to your sons and daughters to get loaded and high 24/7.

And also fight bulls.