The Oscars give me a feeling of inadequacy because I secretly fear I will leave this Earth without achieving greatness. What should I do?

It’s the day after the Oscars, which means millions of Americans are loitering around water coolers expressing their satisfaction and dissatisfaction about the academy award winners. If you listen closely you can hear the banter on the wind. “No Country really deserved it,” says a middle-aged accountant. Elsewhere, one nurse tells a doctor the sheer dreaminess factor that George Clooney possesses. In Cleveland, Jack Nicholson starts a rumor that he ate the orchestra.

But why settle for merely discussing the academy awards? I mean, you’ve seen these movies and you have to agree an Oscar would look pretty bitchin’ on your spice rack. After all, the people on the red carpet aren’t smarter then you, they’re just genetically superior. A smart person might suggest that in order to make life seem more fulfilling, you should start defining success on your own terms, not based on other people’s accomplishments. Well that supposed smart person is a pussy, and let me tell you, he ain’t got no Oscar.

With nothing more than a handycam, you can snag that Oscar and, once and for all, finally prove it to your prom date that blowing the third string quarterback was the biggest mistake of her life. While making your movie, just asking constantly ask yourself the following nine questions:

1. Is your movie based off a Cormac McCarthy novel?
2. Does your movie have a killer with a pneumatic hammer?
3. Does your movie have Woody Harrelson in it?
4. Do you realize that quality sound mixing, sound editing, and costume design aren’t important because those captions don’t mean shit?
5. Is your movie the winner of the 2008 Best Picture Award?
6. Is anyone else getting sick of Steve Carrell?
7. If given the chance, would you bone the shit out of Ellen Page?
8. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was at the Oscars, isn’t that awesome?
9. What the fuck was that French guy saying?
   

If you answered “yes” to the first 8 questions and “I know, riiiiight?” to the ninth, expect an Oscar in the near future.