Etiquette Excellence: Celebrating Presidents' Day

Much like Sandwich Day, Talk Like a Pirate day, and Bastille day, Presidents' day is an over-commercialized mess. However, unlike Christmas or Valentine's day, Presidents' day was created for the sole-purpose of getting everyday American's to help our economy and buy something that their family, friends, and landlords would love (Landlord Appreciation also lands on the third Monday of February. ) There is no sick misrepresentation of corporate America here however, as America wants us "...to spend dead presidents FOR our most important, yet dead, presidents." This was the catchphrase Nixon used to promote his initiative of Presidents' day as a national holiday, but the lack of good taste is what kept many businesses from giving employee's the day off. However, this is much better than his original catchphrase of "...commemorating the presidents who chopped down the cherry tree and freeing the people hanging from them." Yes, Nixon was a bigot. And kind of a prick. This is how he got the nickname "Pricky Dick"

Dickishness aside, here are some simple ways to celebrate Presidents' Day right.

Participate in local celebration - Presidents' day doesn't count until you have visited your local furniture store and bought something that you do not have to pay till Labor day. I mean, that's like, what? Six months away? That is ridiculous, and the kind of thing that our great nation was built on. You owe it to George Washington to buy some of this sweet-ass furniture before it all goes goes goes.

Note: The fact that you do not have to pay till Labor day is not actually a Labor day celebration, as the first Monday of September is also "Futon Remorse day."

Know the history - Ever know two people who are friends, and their birthdays are really close together, so they just throw one big party for both of them? Don't you hate that? It's like "Really? I have to deal with both of your friends of friends who annoy the crap out of me at the same time? And I need two gifts by that day?" Well, that's what Lincoln and Washington did. By knowing this, you know that any gifts you buy this day should be bought begrudgingly and only out of obligation. Also, you will run into people who you only know through other people, and it will be awkward for everyone involved (not because of the combined birthday's, but because the third Monday of February is also "awkward acquaintances day.")

Blasting the Anthems - In honor of our forefathers, go out and buy at least five versions of the national anthem. More importantly, every Presidents' Day must be celebrated by buying the entire discography of The Presidents of the United States of America, listening to it in its entirety, and then destroying all albums in a bonfire so they can be purchased next year. This is the only time where a person can listen to The Presidents of the United States of America and need not feel shame.

Did you know... that Peaches come from a can? They were actually put there by a man, in a factory downtown?