Letters to the Survivalists

Since we started The Survival Guide to Everyday Life, Mr. Jones and I have never directly interacted with the public due to a Howard Hughes level of mysophobia. Now we have decided to take a dip into the mailbag and reply to letters we have received by those readers who have been inappropriately touched by our words. If you have any comments or concerns about our guide, or just want to wax about days of yore, please feel free to e-mail us at TheSurvivalGuideToEverydayLife@gmail.com

From: Mary Jones

Hello! I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirm able Bank Draft of $800,000.00 United States Dollars, but I did not hear from you since that time. Then I went and deposited the Draft with FEDEX EXPRESS DELIVERY, West Africa, I travelled out of the country for a Months Course and I will not come back till end of febaury. What you have to do now is to contact the FEDEX EXPRESS DELIVERY. as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because of the expiring date.

Thank you for your generous offer, Mary. It's nice to see that the public has warmed up to us. So much so, that we are trusted to to contact FedEx express delivery and hold onto a generous sum of money. Because I am internet savvy, I will send you my social security number, credit card information, and mother's ashes via e-mail and not post them publicly on this site.

From: Service@Slideshare.net

Hi SurvivalGuide2EverydayLif,

Thanks for signing up for SlideShare.

Click here to confirm your email address.

Thank you so much for hosting that powerpoint the one time we did a powerpoint. We hope to use you again, but that would require us to have free time, and that is just not a commodity in these times. By the time we come back, please try to clean up your interface. Seriously, it took me 35 hours to try an upload one 11 slide powerpoint. Learn to be user-friendly. Pricks.

From: Bergreen Strimel

Hoi,

Real men! Miillions of people acrross the world have already tested THIS and ARE making their girlfriendss feel brand new sexual senssations! YOU are the best in bed, aren't you ?

Girls!

Devellop your sexual relationshhip and get even MORE pleasuree! Make your boyffriend a gift!

So Bergreen? It sounds English, but the "Hoi" says otherwise. Anywho, what kind of private detective are you hiring? Whoever he is, he is VERY good. I cannot seem to please any woman in bed, possibly due to my sterilization from working in a coal mine and having a portion of my meat fall victim to a pick-axe accident. Despite your detective work, you have addressed half of this email to females, or "girls!" This is worrisome, because Mr. Jones and I are not, and do not plan on becoming female. Moreover, this just makes me feel lonely and crave for the fruits of the female body. In conclusion, stop being a prick, Bergreen.

From: Internal Revenue Service

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined that
you are eligible to receive a tax refund of $873.20. Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 3-9 days in order to process it. For upfront cash, please meet us under the bridge at 95th and Samson Drive at 2:00 AM next Wednesday. Come alone. Do not wear a wire.

It's always nice for the government to make good on their promises of tax refunds. I'll try to look the other way on some of these funds, as I am sure that their is some extra cash in here to help support the site you love. See you soon! : )

Edit: 4:56 AM Wednesday - What the fuck, guys?