Way to Wellness: Vitamin Guide

In adolescence, we are told that we need vitamins for our growing bodies to prevent ailments such as rickets and hysterical pregnancy. We as a culture have accepted this need for vitamins blindly, and have ever since only known a life of Flintstone vitamins. There are 150 different vitamins, and a long-fabled 151. In addition, to obtain all possible entries in the VitaDex, you will have to trade with your friends to get vitamins exclusive in the red or blue versions. For those who do not have a link cable, or have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about, here is a quick overview on various, important vitamins.

Vitamin D - If you like calcium, then you want to get your hands on vitamin D. Having vitamin D in your party means you process calcium at a higher rate, leading to much stronger teeth and bones. An easy way to remember this is by simply remembering "vitamin Duck." This is easy to remember, since ducks are well-known for their love for calcium in all forms and their sturdy bone structure. So sturdy, in fact, that engineers make the nearly indestructible black boxes found on airplanes out of duck bones. Vitamin D can be found in fish, egg yolks, vitamin D fortified milk, and Route 24.

Vitamin A - Not only does vitamin A help maintain your skeletal and skin tissue, but it also enhances your ability to see in the dark. This is why vitamin A is more necessary than black clothes and chloroform when it comes to stalking. Vitamin A can also learn HM Flash, but it's not what you think it is. It can be found in dark green vegetables, vitamin A fortified milk, and Viridian City.

Vitamin C - Known for her cover of Pomp and Circumstance that was played at 8th grade graduations across the nation, Vitamin C has seen better days. Despite appearances in High School High and Dracula 2000, she is still very useful with body repair and upkeep. Cuts heal faster when she is around you, and your body will produce collagen at alarming speeds depending on where she is in proximity to you. Also, her hair is orange. Isn't that crazy?! Vitamin C can be found in gas station discount racks, Vitamin C fortified milk, and Mt. Moon.

Vitamin FDR - "The only thing we have to fear is not getting enough of me in your daily supplements." Manufactured during the War, vitamin FDR was a placebo to make people think that they too can fight Nazis, much like the special water given to the team in Space Jam so they can perform just as good as Michael Jordan, when really, they had that ability in them the entire time; they just had to believe in themselves, that's all. Vitamin FDR stole this idea and used it to instill Patriotism into our nation. However, in a gross miscalculation, people who had taken vitamin FDR two times a day for 30 days somehow became paralyzed from the waist down. Vitamin FDR is the opposite of Vitamin C, in that it actually gives you polio. Vitamin FDR can only be found in Safari Zone.

Did you know... that this is your chance, do a dance at the Space Jam? Alright?