How can I stop my kids from doing stuff?

As a parent, you may have noticed your kids do stuff. In fact, most kids spend their lives in a constant state of stuff doing, and frankly, that’s annoying. In a perfect world humans would have evolved from caterpillars and we would spend the years of 7 to 17 shutting the fuck up, encased in a gorgeous silk cocoon stuck to a birch tree far out of the reach of potential predators, only to emerge as handsome young men and women clad in business attire with undergraduate degrees in business and minors in gay and lesbian studies.

Fortunately, parents can force their children into proverbial cocoons by playing the role of an overprotective guardian, forcing your children to fear both doing and stuff.

Restrict language.
Nothing aggravates a parent more than when his or her daughter uses a big word like “astounding” at the dinner table. Make it a house rule that everyone adopts a language system that’s similar to the one in George Orwell’s 1984. Sleep easily knowing “astounding” has been forever replaced with “double plus good” in your home.

Scare the good into them.
Admittedly, it’s really easy to be overprotective when your kids are pretty much afraid of everything. Some parents have done things like take their juvenile children to visit a prison cell to scare them on the path to good behavior. Do one better. Tell them you’re taking them to visit a prison, but leave them at Manson family murder reenactment festival.

Tell your children that the devil has ownership over the things they enjoy.
Let’s say your son really likes Merv Griffin and he gets all uppity after seeing him on TV or hearing that noxious hit of his, “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts.” Tell your son that Merv Griffin is the devil’s entertainer. This will put an end to all Merv Griffin induced bouts of rowdiness. This will only work provided you’ve done you’re parental duty of showing in explicit detail the power of the devil; if your kid does not have a crippling fear of Satan already, you’ve failed as a parent. Remember, anything your child enjoys can be the devil’s. The devil’s video games, the devil’s VHS of Jurassic Park, the devil’s bible, the list goes on.

Did you know... that Merv Griffin actually is the devil? So by telling your kids that he's the devil's entertainer you're actually further fabricating an endless web of bullshit regarding good and evil that your children will only begin to sort out by the age of 40. Nice!