History's Heroes: Major Tom

Known to many as a mere Bowie song, Major Tom is a real person whose contributions to exploring the final frontier transcended the international division constructed during the space race between the USA and the bad guys. The timeline for his contributions are as follows:

October 4, 1957
Major Tom becomes the first man to enter space. By performing the tried and true bait and switch tactic, Major Tom tricks the stupid Reds into launching him into space by disguising himself as the Sputnik satellite. Cosmonauts recorded the satellite as weighing 184 pounds. This is incorrect. The actual satellite weighed closer to 200 pounds; 184 pounds is merely Major Tom’s body weight.

November 3, 1957
A month after Major Tom breaches the final frontier; he again tricks the Reds into launching something into space. This time, his dog.

June 16, 1966
Major Tom creates a new form of math that, despite his best efforts to educate, only he understands. Using a really complicated math equation, Major Tom jumps off his roof and lands on the moon. While employing a similar equation for his return trip, he makes a few mathematical errors. Planning to land on the loveseat in his living room, he actually ends up landing in the recliner located on the other side of the room.

March 19, 1976
Major Tom exposes the moon landing for the hoax it is, by demanding to see Neil Armstrong’s collection of moon rocks. Major Tom was quoted as saying “Where are all your moon rocks? I got tons of moon rocks.” When Armstrong failed to comment, he replied with “What’s that? No moon rocks? You didn’t land on no fucking moon.”

Present day
NASA continues to plan a manned trip to Mars. Despite having been there himself, Major Tom cannot convince them its pretty gay as far as planets go.

Major Tom in complete Sputnik disguise.