Wildlife Guide to the Great Lakes

The Great Lakes of the Midwest are not only the largest fresh water ecosystem in the world, but also a breathtaking sight to behold. There is no wonder why so many wildlife enthusiasts flock to the Midwest to witness the Lakes first hand. However, much like a stripper that is also a Venus flytrap, this beauty can also be potentially dangerous.

Many an optimistic adventurer has embarked to have their lives enlightened by the simple joy of nature only to lose their wits at a scene not unlike the following:

After a sight like the above, you’re spelling Lake Huron M-U-R-D-E-R.

But fear not! I have taken the liberty of cataloging wildlife indigenous to the Great Lakes region with special regard to what threat they pose to you, the wildlife enthusiast.

Monkey Eating Eagle
Arguably one of nature’s most stubborn animals, the Monkey Eating Eagle’s prey of choice is primates of varying shapes and sizes but more often than not it has to settle for squirrels. Researchers continue to be baffled as to why this bird continues to inhabit a monkey free ecosystem. Once a year, masses of these birds migrate from city zoo to city zoo devouring monkeys and especially hairy babies.
Threat Level: Low

Cobra Spitting Cobra A long distant cousin of the African venom spitting cobra, the cobra spitting cobra is armed with the ability to spit out more cobras when endangered, in addition to its already venomous bite. The freshly spat cobras will then attack the foe, do nothing, or spit more cobras. Once in a while a female will spit up a male cobra and mate with it and lay a clutch of super retarded inbred eggs. Threat Level: High


Peddler Octopus

The peddler octopus will try to trade you something you truly desire for something you truly need. Only the pure of heart will realize these objects are one in the same.

Threat Level: Low



Feral Pat Boone

Pat Boone is the Native American harbinger of death and destruction. If you come across one, get back to civilization as soon as possible. Running away doesn’t help because although the average human is faster, Pat Boone can track your scent indefinitely.

Threat Level: Extremely High



Prehistoric Beaver
The animal that inspired a porn ring focused on the elderly is actually not laughing matter. Its giant teeth can tear bone and flesh asunder, but fortunately it only attacks trees. Unfortunately, prehistoric beavers have allied themselves with bog witches that will cast a hex on a passerby that will turn a human into a redwood.

Threat Level: Medium