Info Nugget: Eskimo Culture

Eskimos, or the Inuit, or “those Asian-looking mother-fuckers with the coats,” as they often referred to by citizens of the continental US, have a very unique way of life. What many people fail to realize is that Inuit people are Native Americans with a culture that is just as interesting as, say, that of the Cherokee or Sioux while still managing to be marginally less interesting than that of the Apache.

The Inuit language is not renowned for it’s elegance or it’s complexity, but rather the sheer frustration it causes. Like other Native Americans of a similar tribe, differences of the language differ from location to location. So different, in fact, that the same sound can mean two completely different things to Inuit from different locations. For example, the phonetic sound “inuk” means “person” to an Inuit from Greenland, but that same sound means “douche bag” to an Inuit from Canada. To make matters worse, the Inuit are a sensitive people that cry easily, so trade between distant Inuits can quickly spiral into what many scholars agree is “a totally pansy affair.”

Even though Eskimos have over 40 different words for snow, they have 400 different words for black people, effectively making them the most racist people on the planet.

Eskimo Fast Facts

• Inuit people ride seals everywhere. For the longest time the Inuit used sleds with sled dogs to get from location to location. This was abandoned when someone discovered riding seals was way more fun.

• Inuit currency is snow. As a result, inflation is a prime concern for the Inuit people.

• Inuit people are scared shitless of loud noises. If frightened, they will burrow under the snow only return when they feel the coast is clear. Because of this cultural fear, music has not yet been invented by the Eskimo people.