House Calls: F.A.S.

Causes: You earned a night on the town with friends. Hell, you deserve it. Having to lug this failure in your stomach for the last few months has really taken it out of you. It's time that you just sit back, relax, smoke a pack, crack open several bottles of Grey Goose, dust off the ol' crack pipe, get the paint cans from under the garage, get the tractors ready to play chicken, and above all, have fun being a badass mother-to-be.

So badass in fact, that you might as well stretch out this binge for the next 7 months of pregnancy.

Synopsis: Babies are cute and cuddly. Their appearance can make even the most hardened criminal stop and "awww," until he is cut down by the police who were in pursuit of him, effectively traumatizing the child for life. But what if you had a baby that was cute, cuddly, and can shred a half-pipe while snorting coke off of another skater's board mid-air? This is the magic of F.A.S. or Fucking Awesome Syndrome.

Babies who's mothers binge of every drug and extreme activity imaginable come out significantly cooler than those from plain mothers who read books, play Pictionary, and refuse to wake and bake.

Symptoms: Does your baby have F.A.S? Here is a time line of milestones that you can use in order to find out if your baby is prone to being a pimp.

Birth - Baby cuts his own umbilical cord with butterfly knife.

1-6 Months - Baby creates first bong out of discarded baby-food jars.

6 - 12 Months - He/She cannot walk yet, but dislikes the stroller in favor of ghost ridin'.

1 - 2 years - Child holds his own coke party and is a rousing failure. Let your child learn from this, for it is a very important lesson to have earlier on: just because you have cocaine doesn't mean people will hang out with you.

2 - 3 years - Child learns beer before liquor, get drunk quicker.

3 - 4 years - Potty training

4 - 5 years - Child's first entourage.

Treatments: Why would you want to be stand in the way of your baby being such a party animal? In case you feel as if you must harsh everyone's buzz, I guess you can be a responsible parent/square and set up boundaries and curfews for your child. Also, various clinics and summer camps specialize in rehabilitating your child to be a regular lame kid who draws in coloring books instead of using the crayon sleeves as a coke straw.