Is cheerleading a sport?

Essentially, what we have here is an issue of semantics. In order to figure out whether cheerleading is a sport or not we’re going to have to define sport.

Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines sport as:

1 a: a source of diversion b: sexual play c (1): physical activity engaged in for pleasure (2): a particular activity (as an athletic game) so engaged in

Well, that tells us jack shit.

By this logic, masturbating can be sport because it’s a source of diversion, sexual play, a physical activity engaged in for pleasure, and a particular activity that is certainly athletic in some sense of the word.

Alright, so we need to find some common ground here. I think we can all agree basketball is a sport, right? Then let’s look at some characteristics of basketball:

• Has a point scoring system
• Involves a ball
• Black people are good at it
• People sweat when they play it

Hmm. Not all sports have a point scoring system. The discus throw doesn’t involve points. You are judged based on how far you can chuck the disc but you don’t earn points. And the discus throw is definitely a sport because it’s part of the Olympics. It also doesn’t use a ball so that theory is out.

Hockey is also a sport that doesn’t use a ball. And black people definitely are not good at it. I dunno why. I think it scares them. I can’t really blame them, though.

So for something to be a sport its participants have to sweat.

But that doesn’t make sense either, because I have been known to clear the sweat off my brow after a jerk-session and we’ve already established masturbating, although it can be done in a competitive setting, is not a sport. My dad also sweats uncontrollably when he eats and eating isn’t a sport unless it involves Asian people and lots of hot dogs.

We’re missing something here. Oh! A sport must be able to declare a winner.

But that still doesn’t work because online gaming can have winners and I know there is a guy somewhere that sweats while playing Unreal Tournament. That guy is also probably really good at it and wins frequently. Even still, Unreal Tournament is definitely not a sport.

Fuck it. You know what, Becky? I’m sick of your shit. You win. Cheerleading is a sport. You’re right.

But I think we can all agree you’re still a huge bitch.