Why do all Asian people look the same?

Certainly a question on everyone’s mind. I have a theory:

All Asian people are descendants of the same man.

I believe if you trace all Asian family trees back far enough, you would find a single man responsible. I don’t know who this man is or where he lives, but I imagine near a mountain summit. His mountain peak would have numerous rope bridges; the kind that is frayed and has lots of wooden planks missing. He also probably has a defining deformity, no doubt the result of a terrible accident. Perhaps he has knives for hands, or his face is made of bamboo, or he has a giant beard that snakes live in, but the point is his disfiguration would have to be so terrible it would force him to live on a rope-bridge laden summit.

He is also probably immortal. Or at least time doesn’t affect him the same way it does you or I. I’m pretty sure exposure to cosmic radiation can do that. And I mean if he’s already living on the top of a mountain, he’s pretty much asking to get doused with cosmic rays. It’s also possible he is a practitioner of some religion that grants him immortality. Better yet, one of his ancient rituals was interrupted by a shower of cosmic radiation causing him to fuse with the power of the constellations, effectively giving him unending life.

His sperm would also have to be really potent and have extremely dominant genes. I’m not really a sperm buff, but it would have to be potent enough for him to impregnate a woman without ever actually leaving his lofty, rope bridge sanctuary and his genes would have to be so dominant that countless generations would still possess the same physical characteristics.

This theory might aggravate some people because it implies Asia’s history is filled with half-brothers and half-sisters going at it, which I admit is weird. This certainly changes the way I feel about the Korean kids that are really good at DDR at my local arcade.

But also think of it this way: one, glorious man is responsible for so many great people over the years. Confucius, Sun Tzu, Shigeru Miyamoto, Kobe Tai, Mika Tan, Miko Lee, Nautica Thorn, Teanna Kai, Asia Carrerra, and Tera Patrick; all these amazing people came from the same man. At least I think Tera Patrick was Asian. I could have sworn she was in a lot of Asian-themed lesbo scenes.