Is a turtle the right pet for me?

Although not as popular as dogs or cats, turtles are still a solid choice for people looking for a unique experience. Not only that, but turtles are infinitely more rewarding than the faggy iguana or the perpetually gassy chinchilla.

Turtles are low maintenance.
Turtles, much like babies, will sit quietly in their tank and eat whatever you place in their bowls. Turtles do not have vocal chords so they will not whimper if you forget to feed them. On that same note, a turtle will not alert you if a burglar breaks into your home. Instead, they will quietly observe as all your shit gets placed in a burlap sack and taken away as they smile knowingly the entire time.

Turtles have salmonella.
There’s a reason people call salmonella the “love bug.” Chicks dig that.

Turtles come in many varieties.
For the business gentleman on the go, try the Eastern Box Turtle, or maybe a Spiny Softshell Turtle for that recluse woman with nothing to lose to accentuate her balls-to-the-wall lifestyle. Don’t think of turtles as animals. Think of them as fashion accessories that you have to feed and shouldn’t throw at people.

Did you know... Snapping Turtles are punk as fuck?

You can throw them at people.
Can you think of a more badass way to stopping a purse-snatcher than hitting them in the back of the head with a turtle from twenty yards away? That shit would be tight.