Public Outcry: Best Message for Life Survival

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

The Query - best message for life survival

Our Interpretation - What is the best massage for life survival?

You might notice a small discrepancy between the query and our interpretation. It's not that we didn't like the query. Far from it. In fact, having a message or mantra that you can tell yourself that enables you to survive in this world can be very helpful. However, I originally read it as "massage." Because of this confusion, and because we only go by OUR interpretation, we must stand by our guns and answer this query as we read it, not how they wrote it. Chances are they probably misspelled "massage," anyhow. So what I'm trying to say is "You're welcome, bad-typers."

The best massage for life survival is not some old technique from the Mayans, nor is it found in an obscure bathhouse in the inner city. Rather, it was found in the Relax-O-Matic8700 recliner found in Sharper Image stores across the country until they declared bankruptcy. All remaining chairs were dumped into a nearby volcano, throwing the world of massage enthusiasts into a frenzy. So really, any massage advice I can possibly give you is nowhere near as good as the massage you could have been having a few weeks ago. In fact, I was planning on writing this entry to the guide a few weeks ago, and thought "hey, these chairs are not going anywhere, I can push this off even more."

Here are some good massage techniques... I guess...

• Well, there is this one, and it's like a back massage, but you use your entire palm to dig under the person's shoulder blades. I haven't tried it, but it seems like it could be good.
• You can also just walk on the person's back. I've seen Asian women do it, and it was pretty hot. I don't know if their is an actual technique to it, but you can probably wing if there is.
• Bed, Bath and Beyond sells reasonably priced massagers, and they get the job done if you are by yourself, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this is just where moms go to get innocent looking vibrators.