Field Research: High School Band Trip

Before we begin, Leon and I would like to apologize. We realize we made a promise to provide life changing guides every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and you may have noticed we let a Friday come and go with no new content. There is a reason for this: we were doing research in the field.

It came to our attention towards the beginning of last week that a local high school band was planning a summer trip to Indianapolis. Realizing this meant crucial life experience, we donned fake mustaches (on top of our already impressive mustaches) and got onto the bus under the guise of band dads. As you can imagine, our access to the internet was limited, so this In-depth report had come late. The hotel had wi-fi and the kid that had a laptop would not let us use it after I changed his desktop background to pictures of huge dicks. This is where we learned our first thing about kids on high school band trips: they are unreasonable.

Regardless, we made the following discoveries while working in our guises.

High school kids do not like it when you pretend to be their dad for the sake of maintaining a disguise and Leon is also more sensitive that I thought. Another chaperon asked Leon which kid on the bus was his and he, in a moment of panic, pointed randomly to a scrappy-looking motherfucker of a teen. The boy responded yelling “You’re not my dad!” This left Leon is a very emotional state because he has always considered himself as father material. Later that day I paid two kids to beat up that boy on account of being a total faggot.

Teenagers do not like to see magic tricks especially when said magic tricks gives one of them mercury poisoning. I’ll chalk it up to the generation gap, but none of these kids have heard about the broken thermometer trick. It’s this trick where you present the illusion of breaking a thermometer open and drinking the mercury. Thing is, I haven’t done it in a while so I fudged some of the finer details. For example, instead of breaking the thermometer and having me pretend to drink it, and I had made someone else drink it. And instead of it being the illusion of drinking mercury, they just drank mercury.

Band moms do not want to act out the movie Show Girls in my hotel room. I tried. That’s just one for the no column.

People drive on the right side of the rode in Indiana. I had heard that this was the way things are, but I was unsure. I later found out that a good way to give away the fact you are not authorized to drive a bus full of people is to constantly ask “Which side of the road should I be on?”