How do I kill vampires?

Based on the widespread popularity of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight, a crippling fear of vampires and the teen section of the bookstore are becoming more commonplace. Unfortunately, mustering up the courage to walk through the teen literature section is a journey someone must make on their own. On the plus side, the graphic novel and comic section are usually not far away.

Vampires, on the other hand, are another story.

For reasons not completely understood to me, vampires have a very strong sex appeal for some people. As a result, it seems only a natural course of action to destroy them whenever possible. Some guys have enough trouble getting laid without undead ladymen with new wave haircuts getting in the way.

Don’t use crosses.
Look. Ain’t nobody afraid of a motherfucking cross, especially vampires. If anything, vampires are less afraid of them because they’re so badass. I don’t know where the cross thing started, but let’s just put something into perspective: if vampires were weak to a pair of perpendicular lines they’d never bite anybody.

Or garlic.
Okay, sure, maybe a few very specific vampires have a food allergy but the chances are stacked against you. We’re killing vampires so we can get laid here and no one’s going to want to talk to you if smell like garlic, anyway.

Holy water also doesn’t work.
Holy water doesn’t really have much use beyond making babies cry in the middle of church when they get baptized. Using this logic, it might make baby vampires cry. You don’t want to make them cry so much as you want to stop them from growing up into super seductive dudes so just toss it in a garbage bag and throw it in a river instead.

It doesn’t even matter if you bury them at a crossroads.
If they’re dead, they’re dead. It doesn’t matter where you bury them. Too bad they won’t be dead because they’ll be too busy banging all the hotties while we try stuff that doesn’t work. Goddammit. Who thinks of this shit?

We are so screwed.