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Friday, October 31, 2008

How do I properly tell ghost stories?

The ghost story is an art that harkens back to the traditional ways in which we told stories, with campfires roaring and our cannibalistic bloodlust for other tribes and families subsided for the day. While campfires have turned into burning log channels, humans still love a good frightening story and the curiosity of tasting human flesh. Delicious, succulent human flesh.

Be a hit at your Halloween party with these helpful, yet spooktacular, hints:

Flashlight
Place a light source right under your face, and wait for the scares to happen! Evidently, this will scare people. This actually comes from a psychological experiment where subjects were put into a room and looked at other people in perfect light, then the lights were turned off and subjects were given flashlights. When the lights were turned off, people were completely and utterly frightened about what was going on and what that gnawing sound was. It is believed that the selective light made them completely frightened, and not the panther they released when the lights went off.

Voice of horror
I'm the first one to admit that I am not a good coach, but just imitate my voice.
"Good EEEEEEEVennnIIIINNNG! Are yoooooooou READY for a SCAaaaaaaare?!* This Ssssssssssssssssssssssstory of Woe?! There was CHILD whoooooooo..."

I think that's a good representative sample. Just go with that.

*this means do this in a W.C. fields voice. Not all of that sentence, but the good parts.

Bold
means say this in such a way that comes off sincere, but also like you just killed the goldfish you were suppose to be looking after while your neighbor went on vacation

Italics means just listen to your heart.

Eat one of your listeners
Here me out. Only one of them. This way, people think he's in on the joke. If you go after all of them they'll be like "no, don't eat all of us" but that one guy could just be a really good actor. This is why this advice works best when your friends are really convincing actors. If not, you can find them under city overpasses at night.

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