The Works of Sigmund Freud Explained

Sigmund Freud is more or less the father of modern psychology. Not only that, but he was a trailblazer in an effort that tried to explain modern human sexuality. Arguably (and everything here at the Guide is arguable), his three essays on sexuality are perhaps his most important works.

However, these essays are pretty self-explanatory and really do not need to be explained. When he talks about anal retention in children it’s pretty self-explanatory: kids like to hold their shit in until they take massive dumps. That’s like psychology and childhood education 101. Huge dumps is one of the wonders of childhood; it’s like the Easter Bunny or Holy Communion.

What does need explaining is Freud’s other works. The ones no one talks about. While he was writing extensive literature on the human mind, Freud also wrote a lot of things people didn’t understand.

In 1901 Freud wrote a short novella about a man that gets turned into a gay cockroach. Interestingly enough, only fifteen years later Franz Kafka wrote The Metamorphosis which was had a very similar premise except it didn’t involve a gay cockroach. Needless to say, Kafka’s book caught on whereas Freud’s book only became popular with fans of a very small homoerotic insect niche. In art (and Freud championed that this was very much art) when one asks “why?” one actually asks “what effect does this have?” In this case, Freud was trying to capture the struggles of the homosexual identity. Also, he really liked gay bugs.

He also had a rough draft for a fourth essay on sexuality titled “The Problem with Bitches.” The essay was divided into three parts, which were titled ‘Bitches Think They Know Me,” “But The Bitches Don’t Know Me,” and “You Hear That Bitches? You Don’t Know Shit.” Historians and psychologists alike have tried to find meaning in this unpublished work but the explanation is simple: Freud had lady troubles. And he probably had lady troubles because he referred to women as bitches.

Freud was also notorious for archiving all his shopping lists probably as a result of OCD. What is not understood about these shopping lists is that Freud would always write “balls” on every list and underline it twice. Although some weird emasculating mental condition where Freud felt he needed to constantly buy his manhood every week is possible, I think Freud just had the sense of humor of a 12-year old. Because, you know what? Balls are pretty funny.