Sweetest Day Explained

Sweetest Day has come and gone and much like Boxing Day, Memorial Day, The Day of the Dead, Bastille Day, Yom Kippur, and Walter Payton’s Birthday, no one really knows where Sweetest Day came from or how to celebrate it. Personally, I thought it had something to do with diabetes awareness until my associate, Leon Firestone, pointed out it’s a hallmark holiday that’s pretty much like Valentine’s Day. Skeptical, I demanded evidence. He then pointed to a collection of Sweetest Day flowers arranged at the front of Dominick’s. I did not feel this was a compelling argument because people with diabetes can enjoy receiving flowers as much as the next person. Needless to say, I am willing to entertain the thought that Sweetest Day has the purposes of honoring loved ones even though it’s obvious that Leon Firestone hates people with diabetes, something him and I do not see eye to eye on.

The question still remains: how does one celebrate Sweetest Day? Insofar as I can tell, the process goes as follows.

Step 1: Find a loved one.
Take some time out of your day and think about someone you really love. When you think you’ve decided, spend some extra time with that person. Remember: loved one doesn’t mean a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It can be a member of your family. This should bring you to step 2.

Step 2: Realize that loved one is kind of lame.
What the hell were you thinking? I know I said it’s cool to pick a family member but I was just trying to make you feel better. What if you picked your mom for Sweetest Day and your best friend picked a supermodel he met on the El and they have tons of crazy awesome sex because of it? You would feel so lame. I would be ashamed to be your best friend at that point. If I was your best friend and you picked your mom for Sweetest Day, I would take your number out of my cell phone so fast it would make your head spin. Not like I’d need friends at that point anyway, because of all the crazy awesome sex with a supermodel would fill the void left by friendship.

Step 3: Drink lots of whiskey and drunk dial an old love interest.
Alcohol makes you charming. That’s a scientific fact. So by that logic, lots of alcohol would make you so charming that an ex-lover would be willing to forget about the time you made out with her sister because they look the exact same from behind. She had a very mature body for a 15-year old, alright? It was an honest mistake. These things happen.

Step 4: Agree to meet them at a location.
Make sure you pick a place you are both familiar with. Like near the dumpster where, hypothetically speaking, she tried to stab you with a switch comb after you made out with her mom because she also looked very similar from behind. I think it’s a genetic thing. I can’t be blamed for being fooled by genetics.

Step 5: Give that person lots of candy.
Straightforward enough. Although word of warning: if that person actually does have diabetes, this can be construed as a hostile action. If that’s the case and you accidentally offend the person, don’t worry. I find that making out with a person’s aunt at Thanksgiving does a pretty good job of burying the hatchet for these kind of things.