How do I recognize omens?

Omens, like birds, can be hard to spot unless you have the proper guide (which you are reading,) and binoculars (which you actually don't need but would not hurt regardless.) Though such a guide to recognizing your omens might seem useless, having the powers of that of an amateur soothsayer is nothing to scoff at. There are just some simple questions you need to ask yourself whenever you encounter an object that might be an omen.

• "Does this object give off any vibes?"

A recent event has shed more light on this question. A family brought home a Tiki statue from a foreign land and was found fatally murdered to death the next morning. Since foreigners are known to be weird, shady, and usually give off bad vibes, these American tourists should have just went with their gut instincts and stayed in America. Bad vibes are more readily picked up by humans than good vibes, mainly because bad vibes smell like mashed potatoes. Delicious mashed potatoes.

• "Is there a single, reoccurring detail that takes place before everything goes to hell?"

This question tries to find the route of the problem: The omen itself. What's the last thing you saw before you slipped on the floor in the Piggly Wiggly? Tropicana orange juice? Try to notice a pattern of Tropicana products whenever something bad happens. Was a streetlight you drove by light up moments before you crashed your car in the middle of the day? See if more bad things happen when the lights are on. Did you just read that there was a sale on carpi pants at the Old Navy mere seconds before your ship capsized in the mid-Atlantic? Maybe you don't need back to school clothes. All angles must be exercised.

• "Have I done anything recently that is an affront to God and/or Satan?"

Usually, Omens are placed here by the supernatural in order to hint that bad things are coming to you. Once one of the higher powers sends out an omen, it acts as a flare gun and makes sure you know what you got coming to you. Now you must look within yourself and ask what you did recently to deserve this. Have you said the Lord's name in vain? Have you desecrated the cross? Did you tape over last week's Grey's before he got to watch it? Also, think about what deals you have bargained with the devil on. Have you sold your soul and tried to take it back? Did you kill his son accidentally? Did you tape over last week's Grey's? All of these questions must be addressed.

The following are documented omens, both good and bad, and what they mean.

Good Omen: A bunny rabbit frolicking in the yard - Your labors will be fruitful this week

Bad Omen: A lamb's skull set upon two lit torches that seems to constantly drip blood - The next roll of change the bank gives you will be short by two coins and NO ONE WILL BELIEVE YOU!

Good Omen: Billy Joel playing on the radio - You will find great comfort in the next celebrity death

Bad Omen: A man at a foggy crossroads in the middle of the night who bears a toothless grin, the smell of brimstone, tail, and a hook for a hand - You will be IMPOTENT TEMPORARILY!

Good Omen: You see a shooting star - The cashier at the liquor store will give you accidentally give you more change.

Bad Omen: Pat Boone - INSTANT DEATH!

Good Omen: Good Burger is playing on TBS - You will win the lottery

Bad Omen: Good Burger is playing on USA - You will win the lottery, but it's the one from Shirley Jackson's The Lottery SO IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK AT ALL!

Review Question - In what circumstances should you not watch Good Burger?