The ghost story is an art that harkens back to the traditional ways in which we told stories, with campfires roaring and our cannibalistic bloodlust for other tribes and families subsided for the day. While campfires have turned into burning log channels, humans still love a good frightening story and the curiosity of tasting human flesh. Delicious, succulent human flesh.
Be a hit at your Halloween party with these helpful, yet spooktacular, hints:
Flashlight
Place a light source right under your face, and wait for the scares to happen! Evidently, this will scare people. This actually comes from a psychological experiment where subjects were put into a room and looked at other people in perfect light, then the lights were turned off and subjects were given flashlights. When the lights were turned off, people were completely and utterly frightened about what was going on and what that gnawing sound was. It is believed that the selective light made them completely frightened, and not the panther they released when the lights went off.
Voice of horror
I'm the first one to admit that I am not a good coach, but just imitate my voice. "Good EEEEEEEVennnIIIINNNG! Are yoooooooou READY for a SCAaaaaaaare?!* This Ssssssssssssssssssssssstory of Woe?! There was CHILD whoooooooo..."
I think that's a good representative sample. Just go with that.
*this means do this in a W.C. fields voice. Not all of that sentence, but the good parts.
Bold means say this in such a way that comes off sincere, but also like you just killed the goldfish you were suppose to be looking after while your neighbor went on vacation
Italics means just listen to your heart.
Eat one of your listeners
Here me out. Only one of them. This way, people think he's in on the joke. If you go after all of them they'll be like "no, don't eat all of us" but that one guy could just be a really good actor. This is why this advice works best when your friends are really convincing actors. If not, you can find them under city overpasses at night.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Elicit Celebrity Habits Of A Chilling Quality or AN OTHERWISE HALLOWEEN-Y NATURE!
It was brought to my attention that Halloween is fast approaching, I felt this strange because Halloween is approaching at a rate no different than any other day because that’s how clocks fucking work.
Nonetheless, I wanted to get into the spirit of things. If tabloids are any reflection on us as a culture (and they certainly are, along with bullfighting and handjerkerhelper.com), we have an infatuation with celebrity life. Combined with the end of October’s infatuation with the spooky (a word that rode the short bus if there ever was one), I have been recently motivated to borrow a large sum of money from my associate, Leon Firestone, and travel to Hollywood and discover the following shocking facts about our betters:
Perhaps he is fishing for the life that never came to fruition?
Nonetheless, I wanted to get into the spirit of things. If tabloids are any reflection on us as a culture (and they certainly are, along with bullfighting and handjerkerhelper.com), we have an infatuation with celebrity life. Combined with the end of October’s infatuation with the spooky (a word that rode the short bus if there ever was one), I have been recently motivated to borrow a large sum of money from my associate, Leon Firestone, and travel to Hollywood and discover the following shocking facts about our betters:
- If you gaze into Zoe Deschanel’s eyes for an extended period of time she tells you how you're ancestors died!If you ask her to stop, she merely continues at a higher volume!
- Cuban Gooding Jr. targets and slays curvacious baristas and keeps their bodies in a Smart Car at an indeterminate location!
- Jeffery Katzenberg, CEO of DreamWorks animation, had a son that died at space camp. This is why the DreamWorks logo depicts a ghost boy haunting the moon! Why he is fishing is unknown.
Perhaps he is fishing for the life that never came to fruition?- Steven Spielberg has a horrible secret and it is as follows: his love is real. But he is not.
- Christopher Lloyd has a little known record of starting fires in high rises and waiting at the bottom of fire escapes with mouth agape, trapping his victims not unlike a Venus flytrap!
- Halle Berry is a frequent rider of public transportation despite owning countless sports cars because she likes being reconized on the bus!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Bullshit or bulltruth: cold remedies
Colds are a natural way the body keeps your ego in check by leaving you annoyed by sniffling and coughing, but is not contagious enough to warrant sick days. These days often leave you looking disheveled, you feel out of place, and nothing seems to click like it use to. You are right to assuming that this is just like getting blazed for 5 days straight, only imagine also being covered in your own mucus and getting your face kicked in. So in this case, it's like that one time I got blazed for 5 days straight. HOWEVER(!), you need not worry about your bloodied, mucus covered face no more, as here are some cold remedies that have either passed the test of time, or failed the midterm of duration.
Lots of vitamin C
Verdict: Bulltruth
As we discovered in an earlier post, Vitamin C is a great singer who does wonders for your immune system. Just by listening to her cover of "Pomp and Circumstance" on loop, your body will undergo its recovery process. It is important to note that full recovery comes with listening to the song at least 157 times in one sitting. While this seems manageable, keep in mind that most people only last 3 listens until committing musical suicide. Still, it is a risk you should take. Do it. Do it, pussy.
Bed rest
Verdict: Bullshit-ish
The annual total of bed deaths is rising every year, leaving this myth behind on the times. There might have been a time where this was true, before Americans started making beds that would randomly smother sleepers for nothing more than fun. But these are the times we live in, and beds can just no longer be trusted. Sleep still might be effective in combating colds, so just try to sleep elsewhere. Note that if you sleep in a tree, you are out of the reach of bears. I read that somewhere, so you can apply that to your current predicament. You can also try sleeping on the ground, but beware of the possible repercussions.
Yaks blood
Verdict: Bulltruth
As expected, drinking the daily recommended supply of yaks blood that doctors have been pushing for the past 50 years does wonders for your body. Not only will it cure your cold, but embiggen your muscles and immediately melt any tumors you have in your body and turn them into ice cream.
Lots of vitamin C
Verdict: Bulltruth
As we discovered in an earlier post, Vitamin C is a great singer who does wonders for your immune system. Just by listening to her cover of "Pomp and Circumstance" on loop, your body will undergo its recovery process. It is important to note that full recovery comes with listening to the song at least 157 times in one sitting. While this seems manageable, keep in mind that most people only last 3 listens until committing musical suicide. Still, it is a risk you should take. Do it. Do it, pussy.
Bed rest
Verdict: Bullshit-ish
The annual total of bed deaths is rising every year, leaving this myth behind on the times. There might have been a time where this was true, before Americans started making beds that would randomly smother sleepers for nothing more than fun. But these are the times we live in, and beds can just no longer be trusted. Sleep still might be effective in combating colds, so just try to sleep elsewhere. Note that if you sleep in a tree, you are out of the reach of bears. I read that somewhere, so you can apply that to your current predicament. You can also try sleeping on the ground, but beware of the possible repercussions.
Yaks blood
Verdict: Bulltruth
As expected, drinking the daily recommended supply of yaks blood that doctors have been pushing for the past 50 years does wonders for your body. Not only will it cure your cold, but embiggen your muscles and immediately melt any tumors you have in your body and turn them into ice cream.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Sweetest Day Explained
Sweetest Day has come and gone and much like Boxing Day, Memorial Day, The Day of the Dead, Bastille Day, Yom Kippur, and Walter Payton’s Birthday, no one really knows where Sweetest Day came from or how to celebrate it. Personally, I thought it had something to do with diabetes awareness until my associate, Leon Firestone, pointed out it’s a hallmark holiday that’s pretty much like Valentine’s Day. Skeptical, I demanded evidence. He then pointed to a collection of Sweetest Day flowers arranged at the front of Dominick’s. I did not feel this was a compelling argument because people with diabetes can enjoy receiving flowers as much as the next person. Needless to say, I am willing to entertain the thought that Sweetest Day has the purposes of honoring loved ones even though it’s obvious that Leon Firestone hates people with diabetes, something him and I do not see eye to eye on.
The question still remains: how does one celebrate Sweetest Day? Insofar as I can tell, the process goes as follows.
Step 1: Find a loved one.
Take some time out of your day and think about someone you really love. When you think you’ve decided, spend some extra time with that person. Remember: loved one doesn’t mean a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It can be a member of your family. This should bring you to step 2.
Step 2: Realize that loved one is kind of lame.
What the hell were you thinking? I know I said it’s cool to pick a family member but I was just trying to make you feel better. What if you picked your mom for Sweetest Day and your best friend picked a supermodel he met on the El and they have tons of crazy awesome sex because of it? You would feel so lame. I would be ashamed to be your best friend at that point. If I was your best friend and you picked your mom for Sweetest Day, I would take your number out of my cell phone so fast it would make your head spin. Not like I’d need friends at that point anyway, because of all the crazy awesome sex with a supermodel would fill the void left by friendship.
Step 3: Drink lots of whiskey and drunk dial an old love interest.
Alcohol makes you charming. That’s a scientific fact. So by that logic, lots of alcohol would make you so charming that an ex-lover would be willing to forget about the time you made out with her sister because they look the exact same from behind. She had a very mature body for a 15-year old, alright? It was an honest mistake. These things happen.
Step 4: Agree to meet them at a location.
Make sure you pick a place you are both familiar with. Like near the dumpster where, hypothetically speaking, she tried to stab you with a switch comb after you made out with her mom because she also looked very similar from behind. I think it’s a genetic thing. I can’t be blamed for being fooled by genetics.
Step 5: Give that person lots of candy.
Straightforward enough. Although word of warning: if that person actually does have diabetes, this can be construed as a hostile action. If that’s the case and you accidentally offend the person, don’t worry. I find that making out with a person’s aunt at Thanksgiving does a pretty good job of burying the hatchet for these kind of things.
The question still remains: how does one celebrate Sweetest Day? Insofar as I can tell, the process goes as follows.
Step 1: Find a loved one.
Take some time out of your day and think about someone you really love. When you think you’ve decided, spend some extra time with that person. Remember: loved one doesn’t mean a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It can be a member of your family. This should bring you to step 2.
Step 2: Realize that loved one is kind of lame.
What the hell were you thinking? I know I said it’s cool to pick a family member but I was just trying to make you feel better. What if you picked your mom for Sweetest Day and your best friend picked a supermodel he met on the El and they have tons of crazy awesome sex because of it? You would feel so lame. I would be ashamed to be your best friend at that point. If I was your best friend and you picked your mom for Sweetest Day, I would take your number out of my cell phone so fast it would make your head spin. Not like I’d need friends at that point anyway, because of all the crazy awesome sex with a supermodel would fill the void left by friendship.
Step 3: Drink lots of whiskey and drunk dial an old love interest.
Alcohol makes you charming. That’s a scientific fact. So by that logic, lots of alcohol would make you so charming that an ex-lover would be willing to forget about the time you made out with her sister because they look the exact same from behind. She had a very mature body for a 15-year old, alright? It was an honest mistake. These things happen.
Step 4: Agree to meet them at a location.
Make sure you pick a place you are both familiar with. Like near the dumpster where, hypothetically speaking, she tried to stab you with a switch comb after you made out with her mom because she also looked very similar from behind. I think it’s a genetic thing. I can’t be blamed for being fooled by genetics.
Step 5: Give that person lots of candy.
Straightforward enough. Although word of warning: if that person actually does have diabetes, this can be construed as a hostile action. If that’s the case and you accidentally offend the person, don’t worry. I find that making out with a person’s aunt at Thanksgiving does a pretty good job of burying the hatchet for these kind of things.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Famous Killing Machines: Jules Sylvester
The Killdozer was a giant piece of drivable metal that was created by a man who was fed up with society around him (aka, Granby, Colorado). While we have to refer to the physical manifestation of the vehicle in past tense, the idea and spirit of the Killdozer has been alive since the dawning of man. Ever since there has been a society, there has been a man who has had enough of it and tried to make a killing machine as a last stand. I feel that the healthiest way to educate people about these anti-social cutouts is to describe them in the most glorious way possible. That way, the young kids who read this entry will develop a sense of irony or kill us all.
Jules Sylvester and his Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle
Humble Beheadings
Jules was born in 1875, a decade after the brother killing days of the Civil War were over. This does not mean anything though, as Jules Sylvester killed his brother when he was 7 years old in what appeared to be a horse and buggy accident. Jules was wrought with guilt, and with no one to talk to, he left his house and started his apprenticeship as a shoe cobbler... little did he know that, like these shoes, he would eventually be walking over/on his small Georgian town!
The shoe industry was booming, and by the time that Jules was 13, he started his own business. While he was not personable, he was still a teenager and felt that a business named "Boner Shoes" would have great success. Naturally, according to the Boner Theory of Business or BTOB, his shoes flew off the shelf and he became one of the wealthiest teenagers in his neighborhood. This caught the eye of town cougar Ingrid Belfone, and soon the two were hitched... But what would become unhitched WAS JULES'S GRASP OF SOCIETY
Every crisis comes with an oppurDOOMity
While the century turned, Jules Sylvester was making enough just to get by. When his wife and son died tragically during a dreadful but comical-in-retrospect piano moving accident, Jules could not get his life back together. He continued to cobble shoes, but the market was dwindling due to a recent court ruling that banned shoes, put into motion by the elected mayor and pot-belly pig, Hamilton Hamhock.
In every story of a man pushed to the edge, a face needs to be tied to the evils in society. In Taxi Driver, it was the politician. In Falling Down, it was breakfast menus. To Jules Slyvester, it was that adorable and city-ruling prize hog... But what he didn't know, is that "city-ruling" would soon turn into "BLOODY GRUELING!"
May Impair your Ability to OperHATE Machinery
Using the spare parts of shoes he had lying around his workshop, Jules went to work on an unstoppable suit that he could wear while extracting his revenge on the sinister, yet delicious, Georgian mayor. What he settled on was what looked like a deep sea diving suit, but with meathooks for hands and flamethrowers for nipples. He named it the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, because he believed it would cause mass bloodshed and was a sign for the changing of times. Also, he admitted that it sounded pretty fly.
His rampage through the streets of town lasted a little over three hours. Abandoning school and not being taught of all the famous killing machines we can recite by heart today, he made a lot of rookie mistakes. The arm joints took way to much effort to move, and walking just 7 steps completely winded Jules for five minutes. Neighborhood kids started throwing pennies at him, and somewhat worried neighbors nonchalantly got back into their homes and read by their windows, occasionally looking up to see the Gore Oracle. Jules died in the suit three hours after getting into it from dehydration. His dead body stood in the middle of the road for three weeks until anyone noticed.
The legend SHIVS on!
Hamilton Hamhock spun Jules' death march as a salute to the mayor for a job well done. As a result, a statue was created in his honor. Since their are no burial records for Jules, it is widely believed they just dumped the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, with his body intact, into concrete. The lore of the town states that it is cursed, and since the statue's presence, every pig mayor of the town has faced grisly, scrumptious deaths.
This story of Jules and Ingrid later became the inspiration for every hot mom anecdote we have today. We can see an allusion to the suit in The Graduate, and the actual statue of Jules Sylvester's Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle has a cameo in Porky's.
Jules Sylvester and his Fantasmagorical Gore OracleHumble Beheadings
Jules was born in 1875, a decade after the brother killing days of the Civil War were over. This does not mean anything though, as Jules Sylvester killed his brother when he was 7 years old in what appeared to be a horse and buggy accident. Jules was wrought with guilt, and with no one to talk to, he left his house and started his apprenticeship as a shoe cobbler... little did he know that, like these shoes, he would eventually be walking over/on his small Georgian town!
The shoe industry was booming, and by the time that Jules was 13, he started his own business. While he was not personable, he was still a teenager and felt that a business named "Boner Shoes" would have great success. Naturally, according to the Boner Theory of Business or BTOB, his shoes flew off the shelf and he became one of the wealthiest teenagers in his neighborhood. This caught the eye of town cougar Ingrid Belfone, and soon the two were hitched... But what would become unhitched WAS JULES'S GRASP OF SOCIETY
Every crisis comes with an oppurDOOMity
While the century turned, Jules Sylvester was making enough just to get by. When his wife and son died tragically during a dreadful but comical-in-retrospect piano moving accident, Jules could not get his life back together. He continued to cobble shoes, but the market was dwindling due to a recent court ruling that banned shoes, put into motion by the elected mayor and pot-belly pig, Hamilton Hamhock.
In every story of a man pushed to the edge, a face needs to be tied to the evils in society. In Taxi Driver, it was the politician. In Falling Down, it was breakfast menus. To Jules Slyvester, it was that adorable and city-ruling prize hog... But what he didn't know, is that "city-ruling" would soon turn into "BLOODY GRUELING!"
May Impair your Ability to OperHATE Machinery
Using the spare parts of shoes he had lying around his workshop, Jules went to work on an unstoppable suit that he could wear while extracting his revenge on the sinister, yet delicious, Georgian mayor. What he settled on was what looked like a deep sea diving suit, but with meathooks for hands and flamethrowers for nipples. He named it the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, because he believed it would cause mass bloodshed and was a sign for the changing of times. Also, he admitted that it sounded pretty fly.
His rampage through the streets of town lasted a little over three hours. Abandoning school and not being taught of all the famous killing machines we can recite by heart today, he made a lot of rookie mistakes. The arm joints took way to much effort to move, and walking just 7 steps completely winded Jules for five minutes. Neighborhood kids started throwing pennies at him, and somewhat worried neighbors nonchalantly got back into their homes and read by their windows, occasionally looking up to see the Gore Oracle. Jules died in the suit three hours after getting into it from dehydration. His dead body stood in the middle of the road for three weeks until anyone noticed.
The legend SHIVS on!
Hamilton Hamhock spun Jules' death march as a salute to the mayor for a job well done. As a result, a statue was created in his honor. Since their are no burial records for Jules, it is widely believed they just dumped the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, with his body intact, into concrete. The lore of the town states that it is cursed, and since the statue's presence, every pig mayor of the town has faced grisly, scrumptious deaths.
This story of Jules and Ingrid later became the inspiration for every hot mom anecdote we have today. We can see an allusion to the suit in The Graduate, and the actual statue of Jules Sylvester's Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle has a cameo in Porky's.
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