How do I make a good message for my answering machine?

Since its creation in 1874, three years before the first phone was created, the answering machine has been there to help to spread our word wider, even though we're busy at the moment and can't come to the phone right now. However, you have to show great concern with what you tell other people while you are away. Anyone that calls your phone can and will pass judgment on you based on how you handle yourself on the machine. These people can be friends and family, but also police officers, loan sharks, and heavy breathing serial killers. Do you want to leave the same, lame impression on everyone who happens to dial your digits, or do you want to leave a message that will leave the person speechless, long after the beep has beeped so all they hear is the violent shriek of the dial-tone? That's why we have complied some of the best messages for your friends to leave messages to.

The ol' conversation psyche-out
This clever ruse is a definite way to earn major points with your callers. When recording the message, pretend to be carrying out a standard conversation with pleasantries and asking of what it up. The idea is to try to have a person talk to your machine as if he thought it was the real you! If you're good at it, you can have your callers talking to the fake you for up to three minutes. It us very important that you space your sentences far apart, and adjust for each caller. If your uncle is calling, and you know he talks kinda slow since the construction accident, then re-record your message to cater to him, possibly changing some of your dialog to revolve around how you think his day has gone so far. If you notice that they are on the brink of catching on to your game, quickly pick up the phone and pretend that you are you are the machine. Keep this "conversation" going. You can imagine how red the person's face will be after they're told to leave a message after the beep!

When recording, make sure you have the proper sound booth for voice clarity. If you do not have such a booth, check Amazon.

Yelling and crying
Guaranteed to get people interested in your life, let your message be a series of wails, sobs, unintelligible screams. The point of this message is to get the person so freaked out that something might be happening to you, that he will forget that what he's worrying about is merely a recording. You get bonus points if you start it off as a normal message, then stage the sound of a glass breaking in the background. Then say something along the lines of "Oh my God, what do you want? (daughter's name,) CALL 9-1-1!" then make more sounds and clashing sounds, then start screaming about how you're bleeding our how you can't see anything. You are sure to get some grade-A funny messages afterwards!

Celebrity voices
What do Carrot Top, Cory Feldman, and Sinbad have in common? All of them can be the voice on your answering machine! It's not that your voice is terrible, but it's just not as immediately recognizable as all of these celebrity voices. Simply try doing your best impersonation. Take a memorable Clint Eastwood quote and spin it in such a way that it gives the illusion that Mr. Eastwood himself is talking to your caller about how they should leave a message. In my best Eastwood voice, I said "I pity the fool who doesn't leave a message after the beep." Needless to say, it met with great success and awards. Keep in mind that all the cleverness of the line will be lost if you do not offer a good impersonation. If you find yourself in a pinch, Sinbad is willing to be the voice of your answering machine at a rate of three dollars for every call that receives his message. He's funny for the most part. He has his moments.