What if I am trapped in a car trunk?

There is never a good reason for you to be locked in the trunk of a car. Even if you did it on your own accord, chances are alcohol was not only involved, but stood as exhibit A and B to support your claim that living your childhood dreams of being Spridle and Chim-Chim from Speed Racer can only bring good things. That's not important now. What's important now is that you are surrounded by darkness, you are mildly buzzed, and you begin to wonder, "How the hell did that boy and monkey pop the trunk so readily in the first place?"

However, this is not the only scenario you can find yourself in when you are locked in a trunk. You could be a snitch that just got kidnapped by the mob, or you could be a bag of groceries that wants out. Because we try to appeal to everyone, here is a step by step guide for each of these scenarios.

Scenario: Spridle and Chim-Chim

When you're drunk, it always seems like a good idea to hide in your brother's car when he goes racing. Rarely does this work out for you though. And even though you might be a little buzzed and there is no race going on, it's still very unsettling to find yourself locked in such a cramped space for an extended period of time. Sharing said cramped space with a monkey? Doubly so.

The first thing you will want to do is quickly survey the area by flailing your limbs. Once you located the trunk door, try kicking it out. If that fails, upset the monkey by continuing to flail your limbs and sucker punching him. His rage will undoubtedly cause much damage to the car, and he'll set you free. Keep in mind that monkeys are very strong. Though you will be set free, you might not have all arms and legs accounted for. This is a price you must be will to pay when dealing with a monkey rescue.

Scenario: Mob snitch

Mobsters are tricky business, for they foresee you trying to get out of this situation. As a precaution, most gangsters deal with snitches by wrapping them in carpets, cementing their shoes, or bottling their essence. Use the flailing mechanism as used in the previous scenario, even if you can only use your legs. If you are wrapped in a carpet, the odds are stacked against you. I suggest peeing. That way you have the satisfaction that these big shot gang leaders had to handle your pee. Essence bottling is also a tricky one to counter, but as long as you break the jar that they were holding your essence in, you're pretty much golden.

The great part about this scenario is that they usually open the trunk for you.

Scenario: Groceries

Finally, enough is enough. You are going to break the chains of oppression and become the grocery bag all the other items will name "hero." Now is the time for action. Quickly stack the contents of yourself so they push against the top of the trunk. Now, with a slender grocery, like celery or a Slim Jim, try to wedge it between the trunk door and the car when the driver hits a bump. Once you are in, push up on the trunk door with your stack. If that does not work, most cars have a switch that allows you to push the back seat down in order to make room. After to push through to the cab of the car, violently mutilate all passengers in the car with the frozen lima beans found in your bag in the name of freedom. From there, it should be easy as kittens.