How do I turn a public access channel into a drinking game?

Once thought to be watched only by extremely lonely middle-aged women, public access channels contain the potential for unsurpassed amounts of alcohol-based entertainment.

But before you learn the rules of the public access drinking game and throw your own public access party, you might want to know why you should choose public access over so many other more popular drinking games.

1. Easy set-up. Across the nation, almost any television can be tuned to a public access channel and find ground-breaking coverage on events that happened as early as one week ago. In short, if you have a TV, you have public access.

2. Not socially compromising. While seemingly more fun drinking games involve risqué social interaction as well as encouraging you to come out of your comfort zone, the public access drinking game requires you to do nothing more than admire your local neighborhood. Don’t forget, admiration is a dish best served silent.

3. Takes something good and makes it better. With enough booze, this:

begins to look like this:


With that in mind, the rules are as follows:

• When the name of your local city is said, take a drink.

• When there is live coverage of a local sports team, take a drink. You must drink twice if local sports team wins.

• If at any point the sound from the channel is too low or of too poor a quality to comprehend, take a drink.

• You must drink if there is a segment on women in the community. You must finish your drink if those women are fat.

• If a minivan appears on screen, you must drink.

• If anyone suggests changing the channel, they must finish their drink.

• You must drink if either a Rec Center or public pool are mentioned. You must drink twice if those locations are one in the same.

• When footage is reused, you must take a shot.

• If a slideshow is used to promote local businesses, you must drink. You must finish your drink if any slide contains no real photos, but only clipart.