Nonetheless, college bound students with aspirations to get some ass kicking done along the way may find themselves overwhelmed with the complexity of the subject matter at hand. Luckily I have compiled a brief study guide for three of the more popular fighting stances that take on the aspects of various animals:
Monkey
The aspect of the monkey involves using quickness and agility to demolish your opponents. A variety of high risk flips and cartwheels are very regularly employed, and as a result, practitioners of the monkey style are always talented acrobatics. They also are chronic suffers from ADHD. The best way to counter the monkey style is to force feed the practitioners near fatal doses of Ritalin, often coupled with horse tranquilizers.
The world was a cruel, cruel place before Ritalin.Lion
In the wild, the female lions do all the hunting. To utilize this stance effectively, stand with your feet shoulder-width apart while yelling at a woman to solve your conflict for you. This is arguably the oldest martial arts style known to man.
An example of a flawless execution of the Lion stance.Sea Turtle
Much like the sea turtle’s protective shell, the stance of the sea turtle is defensive in nature. The mindset behind the stance is that you use your superior defensive capabilities to wear your opponent down, and when the opportunity arises, you lay a clutch of eggs on the beach. When the eggs hatch, the baby turtles will begin their treacherous hike towards the open ocean as they are eaten in droves by seagulls and crabs. This stance originated when a nameless traveling monk decided nature documentaries about turtles weren’t epic enough.
Word of warning: effective use of the sea turtle stance can only stop three tanks. Not four. 
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