Etiquette Excellence: Fancy Dinner Party

Welcome to the first edition of Etiquette Excellence, where we will cover a classic example where a lacking knowledge of etiquette is most detrimental: The fancy dinner party. At one point in your life, you will be invited to a fancy dinner party, and that day could be the first day of the rest of your life, if you act accordingly. Are you going to impress the host and get that promotion/become president of the gun club/be hunted on a remote island? Not if you don't follow these helpful hints!

• Where are you sitting in relation to the host? On the standard fancy dinner table that seats one on each end and four on each side, your seat in relation to the host says a lot about who you are.

Closest - Roaming Tiger - You are ready to take on this host in a bare knuckle brawl outside of his house.
2nd Closest - Steady Turtle - You fear the change that your leadership will bring
3rd Closest - Chocolate Grasshopper - You prefer The College Years to the original Saved by the Bell
4th Closest - Sinking Whale - You're really good at Missile Command.

Did you know... that the woman with dark hair liked the original Saved by the Bell, but thought the plotlines and actors flourished when the gang graduated high school and was brought to a prime time slot?

The host will undoubtedly use this knowledge to test you. If the seats were determined by name tag, he already knows much about you.

• When you need to remove an item from your mouth, do it as if you are regurgitating to a flock of baby birds: carefully, fluidly, and with more coughing sounds. If the host has a pet bird, regurgitate into their birdcage. If they do not have a pet bird, but other pets, regurgitate your food onto them.
  
• Eat salads with the salad fork

Fun fact! The rich spend their money to help the community and to purchase retarded eating utensils?

• The napkin should be placed in accordance to HRL guidelines for table etiquette. The details are too vast to describe here. Just imagine you are folding a flag, but you are dyslexic and have drills for arms.