Geology Infogram: Stalactite v. Stalagmites

A stalactite is a rock formation that forms from cave ceilings due to mineral solution drippings in caves.

A stalagmite however, is a completely different story. A very common American misconception is that stalagmites are formed similarly to stalactites, with the main operative difference being they form from the ground and not the ceiling. Although stalagmites are formed from the ground up, it is not a result of cave water run-off. This misconception is what we refer to in the spelunking business as “incorrect” or “wrong.”

No, the stalagmite is a tantamount to human greed. During the era of hunter-gathers, it was not uncommon for a man or woman to enter a cave and ask a cave devil to fulfill a desire.

A picture of a cave devil as illustrated by an autistic kid that really likes horses.

These desires range from selfless acts of nobility, (a blessing of fortune for future hunts) to odd requests of self-indulgence (pleading for a prehensile tail).

Regardless of the intent of the request, a cave devil would be more than happy to great any wish; under the condition a riddle is answered. Failure to answer the riddle or asking for a hint would result in a potential wish-receiver to have his human form stripped away from him and his soul placed in a phallic rock formation, forever haunted by cave tourists as they draw the likeliness between the shameful rock body and a penis.

A stalagmite is not completely devoid of any course of action however.

In fact, whenever a group of miners becomes trapped underground, it’s usually the handiwork of stalagmites. A little known fact is that a stalagmite can be returned to its human form under the circumstance someone agrees to switch places with it. Stalagmites can, if enraged enough, or in large enough numbers, cause structural damage to their cave of residency. Miners have been known to unknowingly cause cave-ins by talking loudly about how awesome it is to have a body made of flesh and not stone in front stalagmites, effectively angering them.

Did you know... this particular cave-in was a result of someone saying "Motherfuckin' rocks ain't got shit on me. I got legs and shit. None of this 'I'm stuck in the cave' shit. Fuck."