What if I'm in a room with two people with the same name?

You know it. Your friends know it. Your mom drilled it into your head as a child. Sadly, some people just don’t understand that two people with the same name should never, under any circumstances be in close proximity to one another. Make no mistake, when two people with the same name come together, this is hostile territory.

When groups of similarly named people congregate, they’re not fucking around. They’re out for blood.

Did you know... the reason that the Middle East is such a hot spot for violence is not as a result of the countless religious conflicts, but because there are so many people named Mohammad?

One of our biggest social safeguards against violence is slowly being phased out with each new, violence glorifying generation. Chances are, you're going to have to deal with it. For maximum damage control, keep the following this in mind:

Become aware of the differences in the similarly named people. It has been statistically proven that people that cavort with others of the same name are ten times more likely to commit murder than murders. As a potential witness, there's a good chance you will be asked to testify in a court of law and you wouldn't want to sound like you don't know what you're talking about. That would be embarrassing.

Warning! In some extreme cases two people could appear identical AND share the same name. There really isn't much you can except assume one is a homosexual. When you make assumptions about sexual orientation, you're usually right. This way you can tell reporters that the gay one held you down while the straight one stabbed you with a red-hot poker.

Here we have two people named "Ghost Rider," a peace-loving person's worst nightmare. The one with the coffee is gay.

Lying about your name will not befriend them! Although it could trick the same namers initially, theres a very good chance they could work through your lies. Even if they did believe you, they would force you into their murder cornucopia which has two potential outcomes. You could A) be killed in a hail of crossfire, or B) get arrested, only to have your cover blown when the police report reveals your real name, which would cause your former partners in crime to murder you once everyone gets incarcerated.

Don't become a victimizer! It's entirely possible you could run into something that shares your exact name. Do not, I repeat, do not, feel obligated to start a murderous rampage with this person. Even though you could potentially become fast friends, you could never bring them home to have dinner with your family, because he/she would kill them for having a different name than you. Think about it.