How do I stop swearing?

Swearing was invented by George Carlin during the Renaissance. It was used very liberally, as evident by curse-laden art and diaries of Leonardo DaVinci. However, times have changed and excessive swearing is now frowned upon by many people. Mother's don't want you to swear around their children, I can't curse loudly at restaurants, and senile old men can't even swear in a public park, no matter if the duck in question actually had it coming. Is this a sign of our society becoming too nerfed and trying to appeal to everyone? Fuck yea, it is. Are we going to try to change that? No fucking way.

What you need to know is how to fit into a society where swearing is soon to be illegal, as foreseen in the documdrama Demolition Man. There are several ways to circumvent swearing, but these two are proven to be the most effective. We might add new ones later, if there is a scientific breakthrough on the subject matter. The steps given are both very self-explanatory and bitchin'. Bitch.

Swear Jar!

Find a jar laying around the house, and put it in a prominent position in whatever room you are in most. Assign monetary values to swears you use often. I used the following rules before I gave the fuck up.

• 25 cents - Crap
• 50 cents - bitch
• 75 cents - dickwillow
• $1.00 - fuckwad
• $1.25 - Shiteater McTardface
• $1.50 - Snapple
• $1.55 - Cuntaroonie

The original list was 36 words long, and I usually owed 34 dollars by the end of the day. The point is, it makes you realize how much you swear by taking away your precious money. Use the money from the swear jar to buy something nice for the family, like booze.

Fun Fact! Most of the money you put into the jar comes from the frustration of opening said jar!

Substitution!

You can also try finding different words to replace the swears. This is super-effective when you have already started the word and have to change it at the last second so your little niece doesn't go around calling every fucker that walks on by a dickwillow, no matter how adorable it is. Here are some of the most popular ones.

• Dick - change it to Dork
• Shit - change it to Fudge
• Fuck - change it to Fudge
• Dammit - change it to Fudge
• Douchebag - change it to Fudgebag
• Dickwillow - change it to Fudge Tree
• Snapple - change it to Fuckhead
• Fuckhead - change it to Fuckfudge
• Fuckfudge - change it to Cuntaroonie

It takes awhile to get the hang of, but before you know it, you'll be calling everyone fudge trees or cuntaroonies!

Did you know... That the term "dickwillow" comes from the outtakes of the charming family classic, Willow, where Warwick Davis slaps a woman with his erect penis?