How do I cover up my drunkeness?

It's inevitable. At one time in your life, you will be drunk in someplace where you do not want to be drunk. It could be at an office party or a job interview or an AA meeting. No matter when and where it strikes, you do not want to let the other people know that you are indeed loaded. You do not want to be taken advantage of by sober people, nor do you want to wake up with arrows drawn on you in sharpie, pointing to all of the fun places. The best thing to do is to find your way home, but how can you even do that without being told you are too drunk? The following are several ways to hide your intoxicated nature from onlookers.

Preview question: How many of these people are drunk? How many have taken advice from this site? Answer: Too many, and according to the Google AdSense that is supporting my family of 8, not enough.

Masking - This is the most straight forward of them all. By simply covering your face, you can cover the telltale signs of glazed eyes and twitch ear. May I suggest whatever you may find around you at the point of inebriation, like a lampshade. Just throw one of those babies on your head, and it's smooth sailing from there on out.

Be Friendly - It's the simplest thing to do, but it is sometimes hard to act natural when you are filled with moonshine. There are three things you must remember: 1.) Everyone is a dude or brah, no matter gender, race, or creed. 2.) You can never go wrong with respect knuckles. While you might go to shake with the wrong hand, knuckles are like American Express or cocaine: accepted anywhere. 3.) Ask your friends and people around you for support, both physically and mentally. It's like a small little icebreaker, where you learn everyone's name and they make sure you can stand up straight.

Did you know... that alcohol makes you gay?

Urinate everywhere - This one needs some explanation. You should only urinate everywhere if that is what your friend's expect you would do while sober. Even if it's not a usual habit, you might want to pick it up just for this instance. Sometimes you can't just control it, and if it is expected of you to pee in the corner of the living room of your friend, then it's not as shocking when you pee there and you're drunk. More importantly, they'll be none the wiser.

Say you aren't drunk - Honestly, if you can assure someone you aren't drunk, what other basis do they have to go on? My point exactly. Just be upfront. Tell them you aren't drunk. Yell, if you have to. Get into a fight over, if it comes to that. Put that 7-11 clerk in his place. What does he know about how you normally act in your everyday habits (see: "Urinate everywhere") ?