What if I am arrested for commiting an obscure crime that I had no idea existed?

Since the creation of power, ill-conceived laws have been made to create hasty solutions to non-problems. It usually starts with a rambling complaint against people on main street loitering next to the statues by a local. From there, we see small town courts and law enforcement flourish, as it designates that anyone found touching the statues on main street shall be blindfolded and systematically gang raped by a jury of his peers (Jasper, Georgia.)

But what if you are just passing through, start to put your hair in a pony tail, and then are taken to the jail house do to their strict scrunchy laws (Kenmare, North Dakota)? Certainly there must be a clause concerning your ignorance to some of the many laws in America! It is unfortunate that these small towns are very unforgiving in court. Usually, they make up more absurd rules as the trial goes along, adding to the original charge of using Miracle Whip (Lacrosse, Wisconsin) with more charges like wearing black soled shoes on the sabbath (Englewood, Florida) and excessive use of linking verbs (Austin, Texas.)

Did you know... that the no scrunchy crime is the second most broken law in Kenmore.
And that the first is heart disease?

One way to avoid these laws is to ignore small town America. We have expressways for a reason. Small towns are usually unsightly, boring, and there is a chance that you cannot even keep bottles of your own urine in your car (Sapulpa, Oklahoma.) If we give small towns the cold shoulder, they will not give us any problems. Of course, their isolation and complete lack of outside influence will just give them the sort of cabin fever they need in order to make more stupid laws and wacky ceremonies. This leaves the next person whose car breaks down next to a small town in a world of confusion, and in some cases, the human sacrifice for a turtle that the locals consider their true ruler (New York, New York.)

By far, the best way to not fall victim to these laws is to be a database of every obscure law that has gone into effect. Ever. For you to get a head start on this, we have the most notable laws that you will need to know and the towns you dare not break them in.

In Alva, Kentucky, it is illegal to say any sentence that may be construed as a sexual innuendo! The punishment is serving 20 days of hard time. Hard, throbbing, time.

In Golden City, New Mexico, it is illegal to pay using the Sacagawea dollar! Breaking this law means that you will have to spend one night in a haunted house.

In Reno, Nevada, it is unlawful to kill a man just to watch him die! Punishment includes being tortured by the thought of people in fancy dining cars drinking coffee and and smoking big cigars.

In Des Moines, Iowa, it is illegal to marry people of the same sex!

In Chapman, Maine, it is unlawful to use a retro lunchbox as a purse! Repercussions for such high crimes include a $50 fine, dismantling of said box/purse, and death.

Did you know... the only natural enemy to the retro lunchbox purse is maturity?

In Brookside, Ohio, it is illegal to hum to a song stuck in your head. It is punishable by death as a way to quarantine and control such dangerous possibilities.

In Raleigh, North Carolina, it is illegal to talk about South Carolina. Not following this law is punishable by being forced to stay in Bizzaro Carolina (known by non-NCers as South Carolina.)

In Reindeer, Tennessee, it is legal for women to vote!

In Stevensville, Michigan, it is against the law to have aspirations and refuse to work at the coal mine your father works at! The punishment is getting your dream job, reaching heights never thought attainable, and a possible Disney movie based off of your likeliness.