What exactly happens at a bar mitzvah?

As someone who has a double minor in both Jewish and gay studies, I feel I am more than qualified to answer this question. Granted, gay studies doesn’t have anything to do with a bar mitzvah, but I cannot never pass up an opportunity to plug the fact I graduated with two minors. Two. Most people only get one! If even! Not me, though. Two.

The bar mitzvah is a rite of passage into adult hood for Jewish adolescents. In Jewish tradition, after a boy goes through his bar mitzvah he is an independent individual responsible for his own actions. So independent that Jewish parents will force their sons to sever their domestic ties and force them out into the real world armed with nothing but a piece of glass and an old copy of Hustler.

A male’s bar mitzvah begins with a barefoot walk on hot coals. The coals are not symbolic of anything within the Jewish faith; in fact, the boy passes the test if he refuses to walk on the coals and instead opts to walk around so his feet will not be mercilessly burned. An important lesson in adulthood is that hot coals are dangerous and should not be fucking walked on. The Jewish people’s theory on hot coals is something many other cultures have absorbed into their own, and it’s universally accepted at this point that making someone walk on hot coals is a jackass thing to do.

In ancient Jewish culture, a bar mitzvah was an opportunity for a young Jewish male to prove his courage on the battlefield. This was proven by coming into such close proximity with an enemy that were you able to poke them with what the scriptures refer to as a “coup stick.” In ancient times, war was constant so the opportunities to stab people in the face with blunt objects to prove one’s manhood were common. However, in today’s modern world of women wearing pantsuits, war is restricted to locations overseas. Naturally, Bar mitzvahs themselves have adapted to the modern climate and now take place in banquet halls where Jewish boys wage war on the wait staff of the establishment as they ride around on horseback pummeling waiters with coup sticks as they try to serve drinks. For every waiter struck with a coup stick, the male receives a decorative feather to place on the stick.

The ceremony ends with two of the biggest staples in Jewish culture: clapping in unison and holding people in chairs over one’s head. The clapping and chair hoisting continues until the managerial staff of the banquet hall politely ask everyone to leave.