What is Microsoft Access?

Before I can answer what exactly Microsoft Access is, I need to clear up some misconceptions about the business world.

When we think of huge companies (Microsoft, Coca-Cola, Nerf) we often operate under the assumption that executive decision-making is what made these corporations so powerful. We imagine CEOs with huge brass balls sitting atop designer leather thrones that spend their entire day yelling at their secretary to make sure it is on their desk by five, even though the CEO or the secretary have no idea what “it” is actually referring to.

But CEO’s don’t call the shots. Every company secretly houses an entrepreneurial shaman that excels in the decision-making that takes place in the competitive business climate. The shaman is typically dressed in expensive business attire, weighs in-between 300 and 400 pounds, and is constantly smoking a cigar that never ashes. Although a first-hand account of an entrepreneurial shaman has yet to hit the public, it can be reasonably inferred that they resemble the bad guy from Space Jam on a much grander scale.

CEO’s will consult with their company’s shaman several times throughout the course of a typical business day to attain new business propositions. These meetings are so crucial to a company’s livelihood that competing businesses will have their top employees spend many a hour in a darkened room drawing up elaborate schemes to assassinate a competitor’s shaman.

In order to continue to give quality business advice, a Shaman must ingest huge amounts of harvested data.

This is where Microsoft Access comes into play.

Access is a powerful computer program that has the ability to compile any kind of data (contact lists, an actor’s filmography, internet memes, etc.) and harvest nourishment so that it may be consumed by a company’s shaman. The raw nourishment is then saved to any kind of blank media and through an extremely secretive process, which involves blindfolds and trained ferrets, the media is then transported to the location of the shaman for consumption.

These shamans also have a voracious appetite for mice. It is not uncommon for a shaman’s living quarters to have a conveyor belt that delivers a continuous supply of dead mice to a shaman.

Microsoft Access has nothing to do with dead mice.