D.I.Y. Time: How do I make crystal meth?

Due to the highly illegal information found on in this entry, DEA officials have re-edited the following post. Our strict publication cycle did not allow us the time to oversee the changes, but we are sure that the integrity of this guide entry still remains.

To come to make such a fine substance such as REDACTED, one only needs gather 20 boxes of REDACTED and a REDACTED filled with EDITED PHARMACEUTICAL ITEM. Put the REDACTED upside down in a COMPLETELY NON-EXISTENT TYPE OF BOTTLE and soak it in A TYPE OF WATER THAT IS ONLY AVAILABLE ON THE MOON, SO DON'T EVEN TRY AND MAKE CRYSTAL METH.

Once the REDACTED has soaked for 20-50 MILLION-BAJILLION YEARS, it is safe to take it out and SMASH NON-EXISTENT BOTTLE TO PIECES BEFORE IT RUINS YOUR LIFE. From there, use the LITTLE TIME WE HAVE ON THIS WORLD TO LOVE YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. In my personal experience, I get the best NOT HIGH from PLAYING BOARD GAMES ON A DESIGNATED NIGHT OF THE WEEK, WHICH WE CALL "FAMILY FUN NIGHT." After you are done with LOVING YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS, WHICH YOU SHOULD NEVER BE DONE DOING EVER, go to your grocery store and DON'T pick out 19 packs of SUDAFED... SHIT, NO, NOT SUDAFED. I MEANT TO SAY... UMM... FLINTSTONE VITAMINS. WHY DO NONE OF OUR GOVERNMENT COMPUTERS HAVE BACKSPACE KEYS?

POUR the crystallized NOT METH into a vat of YOUR FAILURES, BECAUSE ONLY FAILURES AND UNCOOL PEOPLE MAKE METH. The best method for STAYING DRUG FREE is to BE A COOL PERSON AND SAY "NO! METH IS DEATH!"

Important note: Do not mix chemicals REDACTED and UNICORN'S BLOOD. I don't think I need to spell out what would happen if you mixed the chemicals REDACTED and UNICORN'S BLOOD.

Finally, DESTROY ANYTHING YOU HAVE MADE THAT MIGHT BE CONSTRUED AS A METHAMPHETAMINE and seal it up in a nice little sandwich VAULT, AND THEN TAKE SAID sandwich VAULT TO A SINKHOLE SO NO ONE WILL EVER GET THEIR UNCOOL HANDS ON IT.

And that's all you need to know to make about 5 TEARS, A UNIT OF MEASURE I JUST MADE UP TO RATE HOW DISAPPOINTED THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW WILL BE AFTER THEY FIND OUT YOU ARE MAKING REDACTED.