Etiquette Excellence: Earth Week

Not more that five years ago, Earth Week was reserved for the dirt-crusted hippie man and the unshaven hippie woman as an excuse to remain relevant. However, recent truths have thrown Earth Week into the headlines, as companies compete to become greener than their competitors. Earth Week now is a time where people from around the world tell other people of the same world that they should appreciate this world more. It's a magical time, filled with discussion, conservation, and immediate threats concerning the fate of criminally adorable polar bears.

With this shift in focus, it has suddenly become uncool to litter and polluting will actually warrant a hoot from onlookers and environmentally-conscience owls. In order to circumvent such hoots, you must keep in mind some of the following when in a public setting.

Wear green
Whenever someone states that they are helping the environment, they are said to "gone green." Years ago, this would be associated with obtaining money or mass amounts of weed, but now this means that you are environmentally conscious and helping Mother Earth. The trick to this is that anyone can wear green, even if they punch Mother Nature in the boob nine times a day by driving a Hummer whilst throwing miscellaneous garbage out the window. This color is quickly invading holidays, as it has already claimed St. Patrick's day and co-ownership of Christmas. Earth week is its latest victim because the planet Earth is mainly blue. I know, fucked up right?

Have an emergency organic juice bottle
Earth week has slowly dissolved in not only matters of our Earth, but also the purities of our food and drink. Due to constant lecturing witnessed throughout this week on how people ought to live, you need a escape plan from this impending talking-to. If you are drinking a soda-pop or something equally as normal, pour it into a tinted bottle of Naked Juice and pretend that you know how evil those preserves are doing to your already chemical-filled body. Make sure to have this if you drink energy drinks, for you will not hear the end of "Bull sperm this," and "Your grandmother's ashes that."

Know your carbon footprint
To show how very aware you are of society and it's ecological issues, you can simply recite your carbon footprint. In order to figure it out, follow these simple directions:

Take the number of miles you drive in a day.

Multiply that by your pants size.

Divide that by how many breathes you breathe on an average day.

Times the root of that by your shoe size.

Add Pi

Subtract the name of the street you grew up on

Multiply that by the first name of a random celebrity.

Now when anyone asks me about my carbon footprint, I can proudly tell them that it's Bruce(357)-Spyglass Drive.