How do I impress a potential employer at a job interview?

The trick to a job interview used to be about selling yourself. Unfortunately, the fourteenth amendment put an end to that and now the best way to land that job is to impress the man or woman (it’ll be a man, don’t worry) conducting the interview.

Dress to impress.
How you dress conveys a lot of information. Coming in underdressed shows that you don’t respect your potential employer, while making yourself too attractive might actually intimidate him or her (but probably him). Split the difference by wearing a tuxedo t-shirt that has had the sleeves ripped off, revealing your colorful tattoo of a hooded cobra biting a vagina. The tuxedo shirt shows you have class, the torn sleeves shows you like to party, and the hooded cobra biting a vagina tattoo shows you know that awesome things are awesome.

Establish common ground.
Your potential employer (who is probably male) is a person with wants and interests just like you! Interviews are brief and to the point, so you don’t have much time to figure out whether or not your new boss really likes Phish. Tattoos often reflect such interests. As soon as the interview begins, pounce on the person and rip off as much clothing as you can while paying careful attention to tattoos. If the person interviewing you was, let’s say, a woman with the sexy librarian shtick, this could be really hot. But again, you know it’s going to be a dude. So don’t get your hopes up.

Bring a friend and have the two of you squeeze into one set of clothing so that you look like a two headed man with four arms.
Throughout the interview repeatedly talk about how quaint you think two-armed people are. This shows that you are a gentle giant and, although better equipped than almost everyone else, you understand. Talk extensively about your past employment where people were so impressed with your four arms. As you explain how you were respected and feared on a commercial fishing ship, grab four objects off your probably male interviewers desk and juggle them nonchalantly.